Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Holy Crap! An Indie Movie That Didn't Suck (Pun Intended)

The Dead Undead (2010)

Having massively ripped apart the stinker so-called 'original' which was anything but indie movie Vile (9/24/12), just reading the movie title and the description prepared me for yet another piece of garbage to rip to pieces with more savagery than any zombie. Thankfully, in this case I was a bit surprised. I mean the title alone could make you hate the movie (I was going to call it The Duh Unduh) and the description didn't help: 'A group of humans escaping from zombies run into a vampire community who is dedicated to helping the humans and destroying the zombies.' Oh brother, that is a stinker right there. But that's not how this movie went at all. It wasn't perfect, had some massive duh moments, but it had a storyline and a little bit of imagination.

Looking for info on this though - yikes. I found several reviews. Some considered it a lot of dull shooting and nothing good, others were surprised that former 80's UK pop band Bros drummer Luke Goss, who with his twin brother singer Matt charted 13 hit singles in the UK, transformed himself from a fluff piece to a hardened soldier (even though he's also been in Blade 2 and Hellboy 2). That was kind of funny. I wondered if he was English or not, his accent was kind of muddled. So according to some critics, UK watchers seeing this movie will react as we would if, say, the movie had been made 30 years from now and Justin Bieber was in the lead role. Anyway I really looked but all I found were differing descriptions of what the movie was about (All wrong, doesn't anybody watch these things?), that it was released in the US and I'm going to guess because they don't really say it was filmed somewhere in California.

The story's all right although they muck it up a bit as it goes along (yes, there were duh moments for sure) but this is how it went: A group of five young people, (I think I'll start calling them red shirts, wink wink.) show up at a motel. No one's home however, so they check themselves in. As soon as it gets dark all hell breaks loose: One of the girls is attacked, the others panic and we get the 'please kill them now they're bugging the hell out of me' moments that every horror movie seems to have. ESPECIALLY the blonde that was attacked. She overacted and screamed so much about having a little blood on her if I was there I would have shot her myself, gladly. Anywho, for whatever reason these clean cut kids brought weapons and use them up as growling, super fast, super strong zombies attack from all sides. Suddenly a van shows up with five soldiers in it, led by Jack (Luke Goss). They have massive firepower, and we do get a rather protracted lesson in types of weapons and what kind of damage they can do. This is fairly accurate stuff, and interesting if you're into different types of weapons or the possibility of a ZA. The only surviving young one is a girl named Summer. As two of the soldiers themselves become infected (a man and a REAL woman, I mean she had upper body strength to go for miles, obviously knew weapons, and looked to be older than the average 'My name is Alice' type of zombie killer), we get a bit of a duh moment. The two were romantically involved and the movie fades away...

Two vikings are fighting each other. They've wasted all those around them, and continue to fight each other. It is our zombie fighting couple. Finally each is stabbed in the stomach, and as they lay slowly dying (Vikings wouldn't do that - that's not dying with honor.) a hooded figure offers them a potion to keep on living if they stop fighting each other and fight on the same team. They agree. Et err vikinger.

Back in the present, they continue to fight until the sun rises and the zombies take off. The three remaining soldiers and Summer (oh and some guy who just shows up, another duh moment), retreat into the motel. The stranger opens the curtains and the three soldiers start to smoke - yes they are vampires. No, they do not feed on humans, decades ago they agreed they just wanted to live quietly and have been surviving on cow's blood. So no, they're not super strong and they don't heal really fast. Get ready for the explanation of our super strong ZV's (zombie vampires): Somewhere, somehow, they got blood infected with Mad Cow disease - yeah, you heard me right. This movie is about Mad Cow Zombie Vampires. Sigh. Stay with me though, it's not that bad. The ones not infected are determined to wipe out every last one of the ZV's before it spreads - they don't want humans to get wiped out too. The three need a beauty nap and as they sleep the movie fades away...

Now we're in Vietnam. Charlie's on their ass - skip ahead skip ahead - soldiers are falling right and left - skip ahead skip ahead - one soldier is shot in the gut (What is it with gut shots and these guys?) and, say it with me now, a hooded figure offers him a potion to live. Sigh.

Back to our story. At sundown they prepare to hit some nearby mines. Good place for ZA's to hide. As the interminable battle is about to begin, the movie fades away.... (Hey you! Wake up! It's not that bad!)

In the 1800's an American town is wiped out by Scarlet fever. A surviving boy is cared for by a couple who have an allergy to the sun (wink wink). They raise him, he goes off to learn to be a doctor. When he comes back, the town, figuring out what his parents were somehow, had murdered them. He goes into town and wipes out every single person there - but not without getting shot in the (say it with me) gut. As he lays in the street a hooded figure.... ah skip it.

The battle does get a bit long, although they claim to be mostly out of ammo they seem to have plenty, but there's just too many of them. As they retreat, all are killed except for Jack and Summer. Jack tries to drive away but the sun's coming up and in movie stupid style he crashes the van. Seeing how weak he is, Summer offers her blood - after arguing he finally agrees and bites her. Now he's super strong and throws off the ZV's like paper dolls, slicing and dicing his way through a bunch of them but more are coming... finally from up the hill a squad of soldiers (Oh goody, even vampires have backup teams.) opens fire, and a REAL vampire (fangs and all) comes to talk with Jack. He asks why he's kept that 'black rag' all this time so now we know that Jack is the one who's been giving 'potions' to all these gut-wounded people - he's the oldest. And now he's hooked to Summer. Bad choice. Oh well, this wasn't a totally cerebral film but it had it's moments.

They try to set up for a sequel by a protracted story I won't go into that somehow will 'revive' all the vampires they lost (as long as they have a blood sample of each) and you know that, if this indie company gets a little cash, you'll probably be seeing something like this again. Oh, and the ending assures us that: 'No animals, zombies, vampires, vikings or western townsfolk were harmed in the making of this film'. I noticed they did not mention movie stupid young people (wicked cackle).