Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Turn Off Your Brain And Have A Little Fun

Earth Girls Are Easy (1989)

Sometimes you just have to let go, sit back, take a mental margarita and relax. At the beginning of the 90's I discovered this film (which flopped at the box office) purely by accident and became addicted. I had (and still have a lot of) this movie memorized. It wasn't smart, it wasn't particularly good as far as plot or special effects or anything like that goes, it was just... fun. I remember we had our spanking new computer with this cool new program called Windows on it. With a $9 microphone I was making sound files and attaching them to all the computer functions (which, if you use it enough can be quite annoying). Most of my sound files came from this movie. I still quote it from time to time.

It is a brainless musical comedy about three aliens, blue, red and yellow, who crash land on Earth into a swimming pool belonging to Valerie (Geena Davis who plays a great brainless beautician). After determining they're not there to hurt her she introduces them to earth life, food and culture. They immediately check things out, and are able to mimic exact sounds they hear. But she is engaged to Ted (Charles Rocket) whom she threw out because he planned to cheat on her so she's conflicted (she's from The Valley and they make a big deal that all Valley girls are really, really dumb). Because of this she trashes his stuff including his spanking new Commodore computer (don't laugh I had one of those). She works with equally shallow Candy (Julie Brown, who co-wrote and co-produced this movie) famous for her funny-as-hell songs such as The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xG3yGdQYwqg . When she shows Candy the aliens, Candy knows they need a lot of help 'Lost in space with no conditioner, huh?'

When the aliens emerge from her 'makeover' we have a young and handsome Wiploc (Jim Carrey), Zeebo (Damon Wayans) who says in Candy's voice as he emerges 'Oh my God, he's like totally black!', and Mac (Jeff Goldblum, who was married to Geena at the time). Valerie wants to go home, but everybody else wants to party and we have some funny scenes of them goofing it up in a nightclub. Try to think of this movie as a musical cartoon - it's not supposed to be accurate or even logical. Have another mental margarita.

When Ted discovers the aliens at his house (she tells them they're a rock band) he storms out saying the wedding's off. Desolate she goes to her room... Mac follows. We get a silly and romantic at the same time scene as the two of them discover 'Earth Girls Are Easy'.

But the guys need to get their ship out of the pool so she hires Woody (funny bit by Michael McKean) a fried surfer dude to drain it. He believes the ship is a car from 'Finland'. It's ready to go, but Woody takes Zeebo and Wiploc to the beach where we get a hilarious rendering of 'Cause I'm A Blond', my favorite Julie Brown song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rNfZxgkH7k since spelling it B-L-O-N-D is the masculine spelling (according to Wiki it's one of the few English words with a masculine and feminine spelling) and it includes the classic line, 'Cause I'm a blond, B - L - I don't know'. That's why you see the movie, for the giggles. Here are some samples of my favorite lines (besides having a mental margarita):

Valarie: Oh, low-cal Pop Tarts. They're natural.

Valerie: Finland is the capital of Norway.

Zeebo: My panty shields keep me fresh all day.

Valerie: Men - give them enough rope and they'll dig their own grave.

So if you want to wash those bad movies right out of your head for about 100 minutes, stare at this and you'll find all those troublesome images of haunted asylums and creepy evil little kids drain out of your mind...