Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Oh George, George, George, George

Deadtime Stories 2 (2011)

Say it ain't so George...
The only reason I went for this anthology of three humdrum stories is that it was hosted by George Romero and he knows scary, right? This is going to be about zombies, right? Oh children, both you and I should know much better by now. Trying to find information on this stinker was a problem - the description of the IMDB was NOT what I just watched. So what the hell did I see? I looked around and another reviewer confirmed that yes, it is mislabeled because he had the DVD itself and it clearly said Volume 1 (the movie he reviewed). So what the hell? So I tried looking up the first story's name The Gorge. I of course got The Gorge as in Amphitheatre, which is in Washington state. If you've ever gotten to go there, you've had quite a treat - it's outdoors, scenic, beautiful, huge, and a wonderful experience. I saw ELP and Jethro Tull there (Hey, it was for my hubby ok?). But the movie clearly says it's the second, all produced by George, written by Jeff Monahan, so brace yourselves, here we go:

We're so good we don't have to tell anyone where we are.
The Gorge: Three friends go caving (apparently spelunking is for amateurs or something) and while deep in one there's a cave-in and they find themselves trapped. This goes from day to day, interminably, as one, whose foot was messed up continues to suffer and all three get weak from hunger and thirst. They of course didn't tell anyone where they were going. Believe it or not this happens all the time - I live near Mt. Hood and you wouldn't believe the number of hikers who don't bother with PLD's (personal location devices) or cell phones. MASSIVE DUH that costs thousands in rescue efforts every year. Okay so supposedly their still stuck almost a month and the guy's messed up foot is now gangrenous. The other two figure hey, we gotta cut it off anyway, why not take a few extra inches and get something to eat? Using a pickaxe, the girlfriend of the injured dude chops away until it's done. Gory and painful. And they have a little something... too little. 

HMO treatment is a bitch.
They're still hungry. In a frenzy, they attack the rest of the guy (I don't think he lived much past the leg chopping) and soon he's nothing but a head, bones and lots and lots of blood (Where were the organs - did they eat those too? Ewww.). And, as these stories go, they barely have time to dump the 'evidence' of what they've done when they're rescued. So now the remaining two are in the hospital - the girl massively guilt-ridden. Search crews were still looking for the third (Couldn't they just follow the blood trail? Sheesh.). The girl starts feeling strange and looking in the mirror her face is supposedly beginning to change. She grabs a scalpel and a fork... and goes into the other survivor's room. We next see her driving away from the hospital (In what car?) with a 'doggy bag' of wet, bloody goodies that she's slurping. The other survivor is found in his bed - again head and bones (please tell me they're not eating intestines). The last scene is more cavers going down the same place and behind them is the girl - now fully transformed into what I guess a real cannibal is supposed to look like (or a cavewoman, either way it was stupid) - and we hear screams.

This class is just too hard!
On Sabbath Hill: Typical story about the handsome professor boinking a student even though he has a wife and kids. She informs him she's pregnant, he's not sympathetic, thinking too much of his career and family (oh NOW he thinks of his family) and she leaves, devastated. She shows up for class and - wow this was a shocker (not) - shoots herself in class. So of course almost instantly the professor is getting haunted by the girl - sees blood, doors open by themselves, blah blah blah. Her roommate had picked up the gun (it was hers) and gives it and the girl's journal to the professor, slyly telling him she's made a 'copy'. Guaranteed 'A' for her. Finally in class the dead girl shows up and takes her seat. We then get a ridiculous (but hey they had to put the gore somewhere) scene of her supposedly giving birth to her 'dead' baby in class. Freaked and still carrying around the gun the professor shoots himself in class (guaranteed 'A's for the rest of 'em I guess). George makes the snide (and senseless) remark that 'you can't get rid of the ghost of a baby'. Huh? WTH? Ah screw it.

Little known fact: Small flashlights will put your eye out.
Dust: Dumb dumb dumb. It's a bunch of sex and gore wrapped in a DUH package. A scientist is studying the properties of dust taken from a Mars probe. He tells a guard (whose wife is dying of cancer) that someday the dust may cure cancer. But that will take years and the guard's wife is dying now. He steals a bit and puts it in the IV bag with her other meds. Within hours not only is she completely cured, but young and horny as hell (they're both over 55 so... ewww). Trouble is, it only lasts about a day. He needs more. Again, healthy and horny - and hungry. She wants more. Stealing a thermos full he's caught by the scientist. They argue, he hits the scientist with a flashlight, knocking out an eyeball (Oh come on!). He wraps the body and takes it home. The wife is happy (and yup, extremely horny) and hungry. She helps him throw the body in the freezer, taking out a package of meat while she's at it (nothing in the freezer was frozen I noticed). She eats it raw. This former pious, spiritual woman is now a ravenous sex machine with a foul mouth. He goes to work and when he gets home, the freezer is open and the body is gone. Oh great, she ate that too? Oh no, much worse. She re-animated him with the dust, and is gleefully screwing his brains out. Ewww. They try to get the guy to join them (they're both looking very zombie like, it's about damn time) and freaked the guard takes the rest of the dust and throws it outside in the wind - where it blows right into the cemetery so conveniently placed right next to their house. As he runs, moans are heard but do we get zombies? No we do not. We get a hand reaching up and grabbing him when he falls and part of a head showing - that's it. And the story's over. 

I'm just going to keep looking at this
fake book and hope you all go away.
This was just way past pitiful. The stories sucked, the gore was there purely for gore's sake (What kind of flashlight knocks out eyeballs?), and the endings predictable and just duh. Even George looked a bit sheepish at this point. He should, he made two of these damn things.