Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Movies That Claim Not To Rip Off Other Movies - But They Do



Vile (2011)

Let me start by saying I applaud the ideals of the independent filmmakers. They want to create without the corporate movie machines breathing down their necks, telling them what to make and how to present it. My new favorite movie saying is by Wes Craven, "They water down a story for an easy sell." Which is why a lot of mainstream horror movies, for those who watch even some of them, can be terribly predictable and just not scary. That being said we have an indie film that the maker describes as something 'new'. He got the idea started when he was seven years old (not a rousing endorsement) and the ideas for the movie just 'came to him.' Okay, we've got the misconceptions of a seven year old creating a movie. When I was seven I had a lot of those, but I grew up.

This film portrays itself as something 'new' 'not done before' and a principal change from other horror movies in that it has 'no villians'. All right, let's stop right there. New it's not. In fact, the distributor for this film instantly labels it as a 'hybrid of Cube, Saw and Hostel'. Not done before? People having to go through horrible things within a certain time limit or they die? Uh, no. No villians? What about the people that put these people in the situation they're in? The 'inside' people revealed during the movie? They're not villains? You know, just because someone acts nice does not mean they're not evil. A lot of James Bond movies had villains that acted pretty civil. And supposedly 'good' people can act like massive jerks. But to be fair, because I thought this movie so juvenile and predictable I checked with a couple other 'professional' reviewers to see if maybe I was off - nope. Other than one calling it 'torture porn' (porn has sexual content - making up your own word doesn't make you clever), others started off by saying 'Stop me if you've heard this before.' as they described the opening of the movie and the premise. So I know I'm not off track by saying this movie was both dumb, unnecessary, and horribly acted. Okay, as an indie film they didn't have a lot of money (In fact this movie was reported to have been shot on the only lot they could afford that had other movies shooting at the same time - pornos. Maybe that's where the 'torture porno' reference came from, I dunno.). But they had a glimmer of an idea and it could have been presented a hell of a lot better. And telling your viewers that they will flinch, look away from the screen and cover their eyes only presents a challenge that had better be worthy. It was not.

So here comes Jigsaw and he... I mean these guys are in Slovakia and... okay okay, it's just that those were better. Four people you don't care about are going home after camping and after stopping for gas, pick up a female hitchhiker needing a ride to her car. Once there she gasses them and they wake up tied to chairs in a basement of a locked down house. There are six others there arguing how to begin, and one immediately picks up some pliers, and we lose our first fingernail. The four weren't tied up so well and get free, pummeling the others until they're told they are all prisoners and they have to watch the video. It's upstairs in the 'living room.' There a rather icky looking woman pleasantly tells them that they need brain fluid from them, the kind produced when the body is in pain. They must all gather a certain required amount in 22 hours or all will die. If they do it, they go home. Attached to the back of each person's head are two vials connected to two tubes - one empty, one full. The empty is to collect the fluid, the full one to poison them if they refuse. And because one already attacked and hurt one of those tied up, the countdown has already begun.

The reason for the fluid? Here's where the story loses any sense of reality. Someone is taking this fluid, refining it and making it into pills, which go for ten large per pill. Excuse me? I don't care how rich you are, good drugs are a hell of a lot cheaper, and they don't really say what these pills do - no high or whatever could possibly be worth ten grand a pop. Plus when they show the pills being produced, even though this is an underground operation, the pills are scored and stamped. Oops. C'mon, they couldn't make up pills themselves (or capsules even) that were even remotely realistic? No underground drug is going to be stamped. Or scored. Sigh. And you know if you've seen even a few of this type of movie that they are not simply going to 'go home' if they succeed. And the fun begins.

Two men are in suits and the others figure by their whispering to each other that they must be part of this. One of the men effectively commits suicide by yanking the device out of his head (must release the poison or something but he dies right away and that's wrong because... of what happens later). The others beat the living crap out of the other man, so badly that now they will have to carry him out, because they need the 'pain juice' in his vial to add to the total. Trying to be halfway civil about hurting the hell out of each other, they draw numbers. The first up is a slacker type, who takes off his shirt, explaining he likes that shirt - and he wasn't born rich. He is covered in scars. Now come on, didn't even one of those brainiacs get a clue as to what that was probably from? I did in five seconds or less... but he just shrugs them off and so do they. Massive duh quotient in this one. His 'percentage' of fluid (they figured out how much each person has to produce to keep it 'fair') comes quick when they put an iron to his stomach and, yes, more fingernail action. And I'm still not flinching.

So now you know the pattern for pretty much the rest of the movie. Each takes his turn, some are cruel, some are cowardly, one wants to take more so his girlfriend (who is pregnant) doesn't have to take as much but she, being the idiot this movie demands, gave him some MS Contin (morphine) so whatever they do to him doesn't get the required percentage of fluid. So they have to re-distribute how much the rest will have to produce. Things get really stale - I'm sorry but torture is neither entertaining nor scary to me so this was freaking boring. They try the good ole' nail pulling a lot, some dunking arms in boiling water, breaking collarbones with a hammer - you get the idea. And the funny (read stupid) part? When it came to anything that really might have been flinchworthy, the camera either doesn't show it or, in one case, incredibly enough the screen goes black. Wait, I thought WE were supposed to look away, not the movie. And finally the duh squad get their fluid requirement. A device protrudes from the wall, and each must stick their heads into it so it safely removes the vial - but not the device - and the door opens for one at a time. The second to go out is the slacker (I'm yelling at the screen at this point, it was SUCH a duh moment) and the others follow, the last being the boyfriend after he hears the others screaming in the hall - for some reason leaving the really messed up guy and the pregnant girl last. As she attempts to get the messed up dude to the device, he dies... reducing the fluid back down (and why that is isn't explained either because they were able to use the fluid from another who died) and now she needs to provide the rest. We get to see her slamming her (heavily wrapped and obviously not real) hand in cupboard doors, and finally hammering a nail into her hand (Again obviously fake.) until it's back up to the required amount. But she doesn't get out.

See, as I could have told them the second the slacker showed all those scars, he was also in on the deal. In fact, he says they are 'the fifth group' he's run through this process. And killed afterward - the boyfriend of the pregnant girl finds them all stabbed and dead in a hallway outside the door, the slacker in a lab where he's been in charge of the 'collecting' from the beginning. He tells the enraged boyfriend to go back and say goodbye to his girlfriend. When he tries to attack him, the slacker pushes a button on the computer, releasing the poison into his system which he says takes ten minutes to work (So why did the first guy die instantly?). The boyfriend finally kills the slacker and sees that there's an antidote on the counter (Really? And just how did he know that? Was there a big red 'Antidote' label on it?). But it's too late for everyone else. Gee that was an awful fast ten minutes. But be thankful, it means the end of the movie is near.

We end with the only living one of the group eating at a waffle house by a gas station when he sees the same woman who trapped them. He hides out by her car and when she returns with another victim she's tried to lure (who's a hell of a lot smarter and gets away) he bashes her over the head, taking her to... somewhere. And the movie ends. Just like that. Gee, the only survivor gets the person who trapped them, where have I heard that before? I know, I'm just giving you a hard time because, of this torture flick, the only one to suffer is you. This movie is aptly named though, it was truly vile.

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