Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Movies That Rip Off Themselves

The Fog (2005)

I got myself a bit confused starting this review since I knew there was no Antonio Island in either Oregon (as in the remake) or California (as in the original). I knew this as a fact, but found a site that 'described' this whole island as well as its past and the ghost lore. I felt really stupid, having lived in Oregon most of my life, and never knowing this. I started my review over praising its authenticity... until I found the 'fact' site I was looking at was actually a ghost lore site that either confirmed or 'debunked' ghost stories. Sigh. Screwed over again. Which means it actually took more time to write this review than I spent with the damn movie. John Carpenter, who wrote it, also directed both versions - my husband remembers seeing the original (Adrienne Barbeau, Jaime Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh) which actually sounded a lot better than what I was stuck with (do-overs aren't necessary Mr. Carpenter). So let's get this over with:

'Flame Resistant' my ass...
In 1871 the residents from the (fictional) island Antonio Bay, off the coast of Oregon are planning to meet with the leader of a colony of lepers named William Blake. The reason for the meeting is that William Blake bought half of Antonio Bay for his people. However, the chief residents of Antonio Bay, Malone, Castle, Wayne and Williams, instead take the money, steal whatever they have left and set fire to the ship, killing everyone.

Isolated island, but gets new windshield within minutes.
Fast forward to the present: Residents of Antonio Bay build a statue to honor the founding fathers. Meanwhile Nick Castle (Tom Welling) hits a bag that came from the sunken ship and has to buy parts for his boat. On the way he runs into Elizabeth Williams (Maggie Grace), his girlfriend who had moved away. She gets in his truck and they drive to get new parts while listening to Stevie Wayne (Selma Blair), who runs a radio station on the island (How the hell did Fall Out Boy get a song on this thing?). We quickly get into the booga booga part of the movie as a mysterious fog rolls in and out at will, causing all sorts of weird things to happen. A ghostly ship is even seen by several in the water. And objects begin washing ashore that do really dumb things, like burst into flame for no reason whatsoever. Yup, this is your typical ghost/revenge story. I really wish I'd seen the original.

Was leaving my disobedient son with my senile aunt okay?
Elizabeth, for whatever reason John Carpenter wants her to, has a dream about the incident on the Elizabeth Dane. Concerned about the dream, she looks up hallmarks on the internet, but her computer blacks out and the words "DANE" appear on the screen. She then hears a loud knocking at the door. She walks outside and finds nothing, but as she walks down to the beach, she finds the fog. Nick comes after her and takes her back to the house. Then the whole town goes into movie stupid mode, doing the opposite of what they're advised to, not paying attention to warnings, not wanting to believe anything unsavory about their founding fathers, and on and on. And I'm wishing the fog would hurry up and get on with it - this is boring the hell out of me. Ghost ships? Dead lepers wanting revenge? Really?

I'm cold, I think I'll just flame out and die.
 The ugly truth comes out, as it usually does, but not before a lot of dumb people die. Finally the whole dead population of the Elizabeth Dane (Have we figured out the massively obvious clue here yet?) appears on land, stalking the living. And Nick's girlfriend Elizabeth (Well? Well?) sees the ghostly figure of William Blake himself and tada - she becomes his dead wife, also named Elizabeth (and looking exactly like her too, how convenient). They kiss and apparently that's all he wants, a little, err, afterlife action and all disappear and the fog goes away. And the movie is over and thank you John Carpenter for torturing us with this twice.