Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


V/H/S 2 (2013) Reviewed October 20, 2013

I had said that V/H/S at least had a little bit of originality but this one followed a formula and kind of messed up the ideas the first one was trying to accomplish. I think. I stand by that, but I made an error. GASP! How could I? Well, it seems the source I was using to watch the film did NOT have the subtitles for the Indonesian segment, Safe Haven, so my review was mostly based on what I have previously seen about cults and some of the description from the wiki page.

Whoops. The movie, which is now streaming on Netflix, DOES have subtitles in this particular segment. So we have the English-speaking (and one translator) crew trying to get a closer look at a cult in Indonesia. Okay so far. They have cameras for the interview, and hidden cameras to get a look inside the facilities. 

The leader, giving an interview in a coffee house, claims that his group is getting ready for paradise. The world is just temporary. So far, pretty normal with all religions - waiting for a better future 'getting closer to the promised gates' - nothing weird yet. But then he explains this is literal - and coming very, very soon. But only his 'family' is allowed in Paradise Gates. The interviewers basically lie and say they just want an unbiased look at his commune - and so we get some scenes of different rooms with strange symbols. There are children in 'class', rooms with strange symbols, and the leader sits at his desk cutting himself. So the weird starts early.

After speaking with one pubescent girl it is apparent that the female 'children' become 'women' when 'the father' has sex with them. That's... not too unusual for a cult either I'm afraid. The Children Of God cult not only condoned and practiced it but required it. The United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors cult did much of the same. Jim Jones of the The People's Temple was a massive pervert. Aaaaand there's a hell of a lot more but I'm starting to depress myself so...

When one of the interviewers, who is pregnant, becomes ill, she is told by a follower that she is blessed and will produce something wonderful. Meanwhile the interview with 'The Father' is becoming heated over the subject of the children being sexually abused. 'The Father' considers it as a 'blessing' for them. It doesn't take a cult for some adults to feel  this way and... ah geez, I liked this segment better without the subtitles.

So this is where the guy with the pregnant girlfriend discovers the baby isn't his but belongs to his best friend. This is their twist to keep you from seeing the other twist but hey, we know something icky is coming. Sure enough as the clock chimes, 'the father' declares that it is now time. And the cool aid is passed around. Duh. Men get guns, some knives, but the kids get poison. One cameraman finds a blood covered room, a body on a table under a sheet soaked in blood. Although pretty much split in half she isn't dead. yet.

As the 'father' delivers his final speech, he takes his box cutter knife and kills the cameraman who stayed with him. The mass suicides begin. The pregnant interviewer is grabbed and taken to a 'delivery' room. The rest was in the previous review and is even grosser the second time. Believe me.

But, when I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'm sorry you had to suffer through this twice.