Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, October 7, 2013

E-BLOODY-I-BLOODY-E-BLOODY-I-BLOODY-O MY FREAKING EYES!!!




Slash (2002) South Africa

It's pretty sad when you watch a movie and all you come away with is a sense of satisfaction that you got the make and model of the car they were using... But lately some of the movies have been such stinkers that hey, you gotta cling onto something when there really is no plot to speak of. Too bad 'cause there aren't too many movies showing that are out of South Africa. Pity. It calls itself a comedy/horror/thriller and strikes out three times.


Oh how I WISH this was the band playing...
So we start with a kid playing around in the barn with an oil lamp sitting on a bed of dry hay. Already I'm hoping it's the kid that gets it. Unfortunately (well, actually that's good, apparently he's been killing people and draining their blood in his barn for ???) the one who gets the big flame is the grandfather, while the kid beats cleats out of there. Oh what a great start.









We fast forward to a car with two 20 somethings that we want dead the second we see them. Apparently they can only afford to travel in a car that is being rocked back and forth by stagehands while they blow 'fog' past the windows so you can't see that yes, they're in a studio.Whenever they show the road, the camera is positioned so it looks like they're driving right down the middle of the road. Sigh. The car (because that's the only interesting thing I could find) is a 1970 Pontiac 2 door convertible Lemans that they have attached aftermarket fog lights to since the '70 Pontiac didn't have 'em (Isn't that exciting?) but they didn't think through their design change very well.

See, the young idiots run themselves off the road in movie-stupid style (because of a CARDBOARD COW) and crash into a cornfield, taking a sign to the grill as they do. Now, with the extra fog lights, there's not enough room in the grill for the sign, so you can clearly see that the right fog light has been removed so the sign will fit. It is also obvious that the movie makers have trampled the corn in advance so the car will not only fit through the field, but they can open the doors with no problem.

Isn't that exciting boys and girls? These are the things I notice when I see a movie. Which is probably why I usually watch them by myself. So the driver goes off to take the 'piss of death' 'cause don't you always die in horror movies when you go off alone to relieve yourself?

So the guy gets knifed first (naturally) but outside the car so they don't mess up the pristine white interior. The girl, apparently also unwilling to mess up the inside of the car jumps out and runs through the cornfield to die - as we get a brief sigh of relief until...


Just call me 'Mac' - 'cause I love Mac 'n Cheese...
We see a douche band named Slash (Slash really should have sued for this one but hey, it's South Africa, they probably thought he'd never know) performing and bitching at each other - a lot. Then the lead singer learns he's inherited his aunt's farm (dum dum DUM - but mainly dumb) and so the group decides to take a breather and practice (let's hope they actually learn how to play) at the farm. Duh. 

And how does a douche band like that who play in small bars afford a new bus? Oh yeah, sorry, the duh factor. I almost forgot... the boy's name is McDonald <small chuckle>. Oh one more duh - the dead aunt is laid out on the dining room table (yum!) and apparently she listened when they told her not to breathe but forgot about swallowing 'cause you see her throat go up and down.


This whole movie is just yankin' your chain...
So we have a boring interlude with the young people, McDonald's father and the farm hand. The father's main schtick seems to be getting real creepy then saying 'I'm just yankin' your chain' - charming. And my head is nodding because Nobody. Is. Dying. Oh, a whacko neighbor gets hacked up at 38 minutes then... nothing. The next day the troop get on their impossibly expensive bus but low and behold somebody messed with the engine and they only get a small distance away. Awww.


It's coming at us! Let's not move to the right or left or anything...
Let's end the agony early, shall we? Kids die very verrrrry slowly and Mac (as the douche singer calls himself) remembers how he accidentally set fire to grandpa as a kid but grandpa was made of granite or something and so he didn't die. So Mac, trying to do it right this time, kills grandpa and sets him and his dad on fire.

I got this outfit at Wal Mart. Why? It was on sale...
Hmmm? Why were they killing teenagers? Well, remember the corn? What better way to bless the harvest and get good crops than with the blood of worthless teenagers? And we complain about Monsanto. Ick. Oh and did the father die? Not if they wanted to set up a sequel he didn't. But I don't know of one thank goodness.

Oh yeah, the surviving band members (after being treated to those magic blankets movie paramedics like to give out to make them all better) go back on the road with a new song. What is it about? I'm really disappointed in you for not guessing. I don't know the title but the word 'scarecrow' and 'EIEIO' are included. Wow.

Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm were dead people
E-I-E-I-O
Cause this farm was duh central
E-I-E-I-O
And blood corn is extra tasty
E-I-E-I-O

Ahem. I'm really sorry about that.