Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND...


Final Destination 5 aka 5nal Destination 3D IMAX (2011)

All I have to do is tell you the title of this one and you already know the movie in your head, whether you've actually seen it or not. You get an impressively progressive tragic accident of some type in the beginning, the one kid/twenty something waking from a horrible 'dream' and fighting his way to get out of the situation while dragging the requisite amount of people with him for the film while the others die, they have the funeral, Tony Todd picks up his paycheck by telling them Death won't be cheated, they die one by one in Rube Goldberg style, and at the end you think phew, one or two made it but nope aaaand scene. This is exactly the same but a whole lot more expensive - for you.They filmed this one in BC so it was cheaper - for them. It was released in 3D and IMAX. Oh goody.

I like watching the beginning because the 'accidents' are pretty impressive - watching them in slow motion makes you appreciate the, umm, absurdity of the thing even more. I then fast forward through the middle and then watch the ending with no surprise whatsoever. This tried to have a tiny bit of a twist at the end which was almost - ALMOST creative.

This installment (and so far it's the latest but certainly not the last, I'm sure) follows the formula like it's supposed to: there's a bus full of employees (not much older than the other FD movies so shut up) heading to a company retreat that every company does absolutely never. They cross a bridge over troubled waters (ha) and a construction crew keeps the traffic slow with some repairs. 


Suddenly there's a snap and a twang and a lot of screams and dying. Then of course the cursed one who had the vision wakes up and makes a total bedlam trying to get himself and everyone else off the bus and bridge - we get our handful that make it while everybody else plunges to their deaths. At the funeral, check in hand, Tony Todd tells him Death has a design. Yeah, and a predictable script and Tony Todd on standby.

This one tried to be quasi-original by having the Rube Goldberg setups NOT be the cause of death, just be there for the hell of it. The deaths are... meh. The bent-in-half gymnast was kind of funny (just because I'm twisted that way) but everybody goes one by one in order just like they're supposed to. The remainder are told (again by Tony Todd, he must have gotten overtime) that if they can get someone else's lifespan, they will be spared. Essentially, if they murder someone, they get his/her life. Nice. So two are the 'good guys' so they don't want to - one is desperate and so he has no problem doing it if he can. He can't.

So the two good ones (coincidentally boyfriend and girlfriend) through no fault of their own gain the life of the desperate one (the other didn't die so didn't need it) and they decide to go off to Paris since he is getting an internship there to become a chef...

They get on the plane going to Paris (Is this sounding familiar to you yet? My worksheet was already filled out by now.) they are disturbed when a group of teenagers get in to a fight on the plane and one is carried out with several others (if you don't get it now I give up on you). The boyfriend asks a flight attendant what the ruckus was about and she tells him a boy had a vision that the plane was going to crash...

The rest? Oh come on people! The punchline is that this is a PREQUEL to the other FD movies and so kablooey, he and his girlfriend literally go down in flames...


A fan's wishful thinking...
Stay for the credits 'cause the FD makers give you a little bonus (probably so you won't be so mad at them about this turkey) - they should have called it 'The Face Of FD Death' 'cause that's what it was - a highlight clip show of some of the nasty deaths from all the FD movies. You're welcome.