Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, October 25, 2013


Amazon Women On The Moon (1987)

Okay people this is going to be short and sweet 'cause if I tried to explain this whole movie you'd either get nauseous or fall asleep. For you young whippersnappers, this was a pretty good comedy/sci fi mashup by John Landis that had... just about every actor and actress in Hollywood in it. Some of them with names you'd be really familiar with, some with names your parents or grandparents would know.

It also has so many alternate versions that telling you everything that was in it might be frustrating if you're watching a version that's missing one or more of the elements. So here it is in a nutshell. It is a parody of what we oldsters went through when we had insomnia and tried to watch a movie on late night TV. It was a time of extreme hardships - after all, we had to GET UP AND GO TO THE TV EVERY TIME WE WANTED TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL. Truly brutal.

The version I could find (like I said there are more than a couple that differ) had one part I really wanted to see but was not in it - a scene with a young Bryan Cranston - very brief, a minute or two at most, but not in the ones I could find. The list of actors is so huge and varied that at the beginning when it says 'Starring' it just puts 'Lots Of Actors'. They're not kidding. From true classic comedians to the then new talent of TV and film it had so many I have no idea how Landis could possibly have convinced them all to appear in this... film.

The main theme (which is really not) is a late night movie as the title suggests. You will see maybe five minutes total of it as it keeps being interrupted (and each time introduced as being made in a different years) and meet Joey Travolta, John's older brother by four years. He also thought he was a singer. Check out YouTube. Woof.

The rest of the movie is random clips, commercials and skits. And young ones, if you want to see TRUE comedic talent you will, at least, go to the 39 minute mark when they have the skit of a wake that is also a roast of the dead dude, hosted by some of the best funny guys you have ever seen (or at least your parents or grandparents have ever seen). You've got Rip Taylor, Slappy White, Jackie Vernon, Henny Youngman, Charlie Callas and Steve Allen. All but one of those fine gentlemen have passed. If you're smart and want to see true talent, go to YouTube and look those guys up.

Other talents are too numerous to mention but bigger names are Carrie Fisher, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kelly Preston, David Alan Grier, Phil Hartman, Arsenio Hall, Andrew Dice Clay, and many more.

Were there mistakes? Hey, this whole movie was a mistake but yes, there were boo boos and things so obvious I think they put them there on purpose. One that I noticed was Ed Begley, Jr. when he played The Son Of The Invisible Man. The joke is he's not invisible but gets naked anyway. Lots of butt shots. But when he comes down the stairs, apparently they wanted to guard against male frontal nudity because you can clearly see he's wearing some sort of covering when he's supposed to be naked. Hey, I notice stuff like that 'cause it's my job.

So if you've got some time to kill and a limited attention span, this faux movie may be for you. Just remember the jokes and people are really dated as it was made in the 80's and if it doesn't make sense, well duh.