Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

MOVIES YOU WATCH BECAUSE OF WHO'S IN THEM... AND THEIR CHILDREN




Curse Of Chucky (2013) Straight To DVD

This being the age of endless sequels, remakes and now the infamous new word for I-don't-wanna-think-of-something-new-now-give-me-money, namely reboots, we get the straight-to-video reboot of the Chucky franchise. But instead of being funny (people say they were awful but I still laugh my butt off when I watch Seed Of Chucky) they decided to try and go back to the 'horror' aspect and leave the laughs behind. They failed.

First, they cast none other than Brad Dourif's smoking hot daughter Fiona in the lead. That's not a bad thing, after all, she has had a good acting career of her own - but I couldn't seem to get over the fact that it was his daughter in a wheelchair and he was trying (as a doll) to kill her. Plus, it's supposed to be serious, but we get a surprise - umm wait. If you want to see this, stop and watch and then come back 'cause you know I do the whole movie which means spoilers. Anyway, they wanted this to be horror but at the end they bring in (very briefly) Jennifer Tilly at what you think is the end. But it's not. 

Do these douchebags have to add extra scenes at the end of ALL the credits? Now when the hubby and I make that rare trip to a theater to watch movies, we DO sit through the credits, usually because we're curious about something. I remember the first time we saw an after-credits scene. I'm not saying it WAS the first, it was just the first we'd ever seen. After watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), we sat through the credits, partly to watch, and partly to wait for the crowd to leave. Then we got to see the after-credit scene of Ferris saying "You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go." Okay that's not an earth-shattering plot point but we were the only ones who saw it - that day anyway. Long story short (too late) it pays to stay through the credits for extra little tidbits - in this movie's case it was a BIG one.

So four years after Chucky's last dismemberment (and we conveniently have to forget he had kids 'cause that whole storyline doesn't apply anymore) Chucky is looking for revenge (Isn't he always?). See this movie is kind of a how-Charles Lee Ray-became-Chucky kind of movie but the backstory is given in such small bits and of course mixed with a lot of murder and mayhem so if you don't pay really close attention, you don't get all the story. And do you really want to pay THAT much attention to yet another movie about a murderous doll?

Apparently for a lot of people, yes. This is on its way to reinstate the whole Chucky franchise, the makers hoping we just forget the last two Chucky movies and keep seeing him as a pure killer, not a joke. That's kind of a shame 'cause they came up with some good ones in those two - even if a lot of critics hated them. My favorite from Bride Of Chucky is when the teenage boy discovers that Chucky and Tiffany are 'alive' and asks 'How'd you end up like this?' Tiffany says it's a long story. Then Chucky pipes up and says 'Let me put it this way. If this were a movie, it would take three or four sequels to do it justice.' If you can't laugh at that then... uh, I forget where I was going with this...

Since you know the whole movie is pretty much about Chucky killing absolutely as many people as he can, instead I'll tell the reason why since, like I said, you'd have to pay real close attention and that sucks - at least to me. There's this psycho named Charles Lee Ray (Brad Douriff), a shaggy haired friend of this particular family. Why he's a friend I have no idea, but he is in love with the wife of the family - who's pregnant (not his). So he decides he wants this woman even if she doesn't want him. He kills her husband and after the funeral kidnaps her. 

She tries to escape and he stabs her - which is why the main character Nica (Fiona Dourif) has been a paraplegic all her life. Nica's mother turns him in which leads to the big chase and kill scene from the first movie, and he becomes a doll.

So he wants the rest of this family as well to complete his revenge. Arriving mysteriously in the mail, he soon kills Nica's mother and Nica is now at the mercy of her older sister and her sister's husband, daughter, and nanny (who is secretly her lover as well). So now we have a houseful of victims for the Chuckster.

No I'm not going to outline each death, it's about the same as in all other movies. Fiona as Nica does very well and is convincing enough as a woman trapped in a chair in the same house as a bunch of psychos - and a killer doll. She's pretty much screwed though and you know that before it even starts. 

Sure enough, when the blood settles and the bodies spread everywhere with Nica being the sole survivor (except for the small daughter 'cause Chucky doesn't seem to do too well with killing kids *hint hint*). And since this is a reboot, the last escapades of the doll don't count so the authorities figure that Nica went nuts and somehow, from her wheelchair, she managed to slice and dice everybody. She's put in a mental hospital. The daughter is sent to her grandmother's house.

As had happened in a previous Chucky movie, the officer in charge of the evidence room is bribed to sell the Chucky doll to an interested party - but never gets to collect because that 'party' who is, of course, Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly) slits his throat as she's done before, and takes Chucky to mail to his next target - the little girl at her grandmother's house. Now here it gets - nonsensical. I know, I know, I expect a movie about a killer doll to make sense? DUH. But it shows that Chucky has put a plastic bag over granny's head and does the mumbo jumbo voodoo on the little girl to transfer his soul. Game over. And I turned the movie off.

Naughty naughty... I didn't watch the credits. Why would I? Well, apparently Chucky wasn't successful with the little girl and so is mailed yet again to his next target - some guy. Some guy? You'd have to be reeeeeal slow not to guess who this guy is. I'm not. But apparently the makers of the movie assume we are so after he sets the package down and is talking on the phone with his mother, we get a slow pan of certificates and pictures - graduating from a military academy and, of course, a picture of him with his mother. It is the now grown Andy from Child's Play (played by the real Andy - Alex Vincent). 

As Andy's back is turned, Chucky is using a knife to cut the package open to extract his revenge. He turns - there is Andy, holding a shotgun inches from Chucky's face. Andy says 'Play with this!' and BLAM! So is Chucky dead? I dunno, how much more money can they pull from this series? And (this is my addled brain coming up with scenarios) what if the doll WAS the little girl and now the little girl is Chucky? Pffft... not even money hungry movie makers would stoop that low, right?