Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, October 25, 2013


The Conjuring (2013)

As you can tell, I'm not a fan of people claiming they can solve peoples 'problems with the spirit world' like they have super powers or something and know more than the Bible or God about the subject - while making a bunch of cash doing it. And if the Warrens, the couple responsible for the whole Amityville debacle (they claimed the problem was the house was built on an Indian burial ground - hell, AMERICA is built on an Indian burial ground) think they can make more cash by bringing up more of the 'legitimate' problems they supposedly solved (Although no real evidence supports ANYTHING they've ever done - but that doesn't stop movie makers, right?).

The 'We know all your secrets' Warrens
So why am I reviewing it? 'Cause if you haven't seen it, don't bother. I know the creepies and the crawlies are the 'in' thing and since the slasher flick is kind of in a slump, the paranormal has crept in to take up the slack. EVERYTHING is paranormal now. Their claims are so out there that you can pretty much fill out your own worksheet of every paranormal movie and get most if not all of it right. I'm sure the demons are loving it - the humans are doing all the work for them.

For example, one horror page on Facebook (not mine obviously) printed a rather blurry picture that was supposed to be very scary and solid proof of the paranormal. The picture, taken in daytime, was inside a cemetery. What you see is two grave markers, and a stone wall. Whoever had taken the picture had circled a section of the stone wall that supposedly contained a face. If you squint at it, you kind of see (maybe) a distorted shape that could be a face. 

So I looked at it pretty closely. What they DON'T point out for whatever reason, is just to the right of the circle, above the wall and in the bushes, an even clearer shape of a face can be seen. Does that mean they're right about the paranormal? No. Because people, when you WANT to see or believe something, you WILL find the proof - your desire will cause your mind to race to find the answers you want. And any shape can become anything you imagine it to be. That's why kids are afraid of shadows for crying out loud.

Okay, what was this stupid movie about again? Oh yeah, the Warrens. He's a veteran and former police officer and she's some kind of medium. So he decides to cart her around to different people who ASK for them to FIND SOMETHING. I put those in caps because, as I said, if you WANT to find something, you probably will. Don't get me wrong, they are probably sincerely thinking they are being bothered by spirits. But to bring self-proclaimed 'demonologists' into the mess is NOT going to make things better. But apparently it DOES make material for books and movies.

So: In 1971, Roger and Carolyn move into a dilapidated farmhouse in Harrisville, Rhode Island with their five daughters. During the first day, their move goes smoothly, though their dog, Sadie, refuses to enter the house and one of the daughters finds a boarded up entrance to a cellar. Smart dog, dumb people. From there we get the things-moving-very-slowly-to-build-tension-but-really-is-boring-us-to-death happenings from clocks being screwed with, the dog dying, mysterious bruises on the mom, and one of the kids is sleepwalking (which they admit she had done before they lived in this particular house).

Carolyn contacts Ed and Lorraine Warren for help. The Warrens conduct an initial investigation and conclude that the house may require an exorcism, but they needed authorization from the Catholic Church and further evidence before that. Okay, I call BS. Neither Warren is a priest. Although they may be Catholic, they have absolutely no authority to do anything so why wait for 'permission'  for an exorcism? 

Because it slows down the movie and gets the backstory going, that's why. Ed and Lorraine 'discover' that the house once belonged to an accused witch, Bathsheba, who supposedly tried to sacrifice her children to the devil and killed herself in 1863 after cursing all who would take her land. The property was once 200+ acres but has since been divided up into smaller parcels. And of course since witches and curses are like totally real they 'find' reports of numerous murders and suicides in houses that have since been built upon parcels that were once part of the property.

Uh huh. I call BS again. In an interview where Mrs. Warren (Mr. Warren died in 2006) talked about her various experiences, it ended with 'Lorraine Warren and the filmmakers hope you'll make return trips to see the flick.' Oh no, they're not looking for money, they want to teach... uh huh. You want to know the REAL reason I call BS on this whole story? Because the Perron family, despite these supposed things that were torturing them, lived in that house for TEN YEARS. 

What I find particularly vile about this 'story' and the Warrens making money off of it, is that they claim the Perrons brought this 'evil' upon themselves for being 'weak in faith' - since supposedly the only other past resident of the house who never had a problem was a local minister. Oh that is weak sauce. Blame an innocent family on being scared of violent local stories of hangings, murders, rapes and suicides because their 'faith was weak'. For your information movie maker guys? Hangings, murders, rapes and suicides have probably occurred, at some time, ANYWHERE YOU STEP IN THIS COUNTRY. There are particularly violent periods of history associated with the United States, hell with the whole world for crying out loud - you don't blame the family who gets scared by ghost stories for disappointing God. That's just vile.

And that's what this movie is - vile. It's a family who inexplicably stays for ten years in a house they claim (or the Warrens claim anyway) to have tortured them every day with scares and traumas who now have their story put on the big screen in the pursuit of money.

I would say the basis of the Warren's faith is in the almighty dollar, not the Almighty Jehovah God.