Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE - LAST MEANS FINAL, RIGHT? HOW DO YOU HAVE A SEQUEL TO A FINAL MOVIE?



The Last Exorcism 2 (2013)

Why did I bother with this movie? I simply wanted to know why it was the 'last.' That's it. It is actually quite amusing at first. The premise is a minister who has been preaching since he was ten and also performing 'exorcisms' since that time. Uh huh. After reading of an autistic child who had died during an exorcism he wants out and wants to make a documentary on how dangerous it is. I don't want to give everything away but the 'tricks of the trade' as it were are kind of funny and not surprising. If you think this is an anti-Catholic thing, nah. He's not Catholic and claims that every religion performs exorcisms. That's not correct, but I've heard first hand of a Lutheran one so...


That's the paragraph that started my TLE review on June 19, 2012. I was curious and it was funny. Then I found that there was a sequel. Umm what? How do you have something come after LAST? Isn't that an oxymoron? I certainly was a moron to actually check this horrid non-action movie out. The best thing I can say about it is that it wasn't a found-footage movie, meaning your headache won't come from a bobbing and weaving hand held camera. But that's about it.

It picks up supposedly immediately where the first one left off (making it The Second-To-Last Exorcism). Somebody finds Nell (the unfortunate but very limber teenage girl of the first film played by Ashley Bell) whacked out of her mind and take her to a hospital where she's cared for as a mental patient, since nobody knows about the first movie, so they have no idea what's wrong with her.

That's... about it. That's the whole plot right there. Nell is found and you know she's gonna start going all spooky again 'cause it's on the movie poster. So the exorcism didn't work - again. Abalam is back. It reminds me once again of the movie Supernatural Activity where the girl is possessed and Damon Dealer tells the dad that if they leave and his daughter is still possessed it doesn't mean they failed - just that another demon has come to take its place. HA! I love that movie - got all the 'demon rules' written down - gotta put them up here one day, they're great.

Oh and this is for my older readers. When you hear of the demon name Abalam do you think of a certain song by Ram Jam? Just me? Oh well, I can't help it - I hear the name and the song just starts in my head. Maybe Abalam wants it that way. Kidding.

Anyway, don't get terribly excited because this movie is the Nell show. It's Nell and her recovery/downfall all through the movie, all the time. And this is not an exciting performance so... YAWN. She goes to work as a chambermaid and actually makes some friendssssssssssssssssssss  <snork> Oh, sorry about that, I fell asleep on the keyboard. Okay what? Oh yeah, job, friends, even a costume parade. Uh huh. But Nell soon starts to feel... strange again. After one death (not near soon enough), Nell learns of a group called the Order of the Right Hand, a secret society which has been monitoring Nell.

In between this soap opera crap the makers of the movie give you a bit of special effects just to remind you that this is supposed to be a horror movie, like Nell and some invisible lover levitating off the bed, and another kid who liked her slitting his own throat. You know what I did like about the movie (which was about the only thing besides no found footage)? A couple of people decide to try another exorcism to help Nell out but after only maybe TWO MINUTES they decide nope, not going to work and they inject her with an overdose of morphine. Now that's more like it! Short and sweet: Devil coming out? Nope? Get the drugs...

But unfortunately Abalam must have been standing by with some Narcan (that's a drug combo that ambulance paramedics keep on hand to ruin an idiot's buzz) 'cause soon Nell's up, thoroughly demonized now, as she kills her 'followers', her friends, and burns down the whole house she stayed in. We know the world is ending because she walks down the street, everything she passes blowing up or bursting into flame. Good! That means there can't be a final final final exorcism.