Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

OH GOODY, BRAND NEW HORROR MOVIES - UH, I THINK THEY'RE NEW - THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NEW - OH CRAP THEY'RE THE SAME MOVIES THEY'VE MADE A HUNDRED TIMES!




What Happened To The Theater Movie Experience?

My blog is about films (usually horror) that I pick apart. Whether I love them or loathe them I have a blast watching, pointing and laughing (mostly, sometimes I get mad) at things that are so similar to everything else it should be a crime, things that make no sense, things that have so many continuity errors it's more interesting than the movie, and just plain cheesy acting and effects. It's what I do, it's why I started this blog and I must admit it's been a hell of a lot of fun.


What is so sad is, the movies I watch are usually free or low cost (either because they're older and have been around the internet for years or were never released in theaters so a thousand people have burned copies of the DVD on tons of websites), and can be great to terrible. You faithful readers however, travel to your favorite theater, spend eight to twelve bucks apiece for your tickets, buy popcorn and pop for the same price as a filet mignon, and still you get treated poorly by movie makers who should at least be TRYING to earn their money. 

I'm very sorry. I say this because this week I'm trying out new movies (not saying how - just that if you saw it within the past year, I'm seeing it now) and at the end of EVERY SINGLE ONE, even those with directors I admire (even Guillermo del Toro dammit) I think, 'Wow, if I had had to pay for that movie I would be sooo pissed!' I am going to review some of those should-be-new-but-it's-the-same-old-garbage movies and show you why (besides being disabled) I will NOT be spending upwards of $50 (that's including gas and whatever) to see what is supposed to be the best of the year... and what you've got to look forward to next year.

Aw heck, let's list some of the 2014 supposedly A-list movies for next year (not just horror):

Umm, hold on a second - there are almost 1200 titles. Whoops, me and my big mouth. Let's just pick some highlights of upcoming horror, shall we? If some have already been released please excuse me - I am kind of isolated and may have missed a premiere or two. Please also keep in mind if the title is something you've already seen - it's probably a reboot or remake. Sigh. No one seems to have original ideas anymore.

I, Frankenstein
Vampire Academy
Resident Evil 6 (Mila will be Alice until she's 100)
Horns
Paranormal Activity 5 (Are they going to have it in 4D?)
Static
Dracula Untold
See No Evil 2 (This one by the Soska sisters should be interesting.)
A Haunted House 2 (This one by the Wayan brothers will not.)
Oculus
The Woman In Black: Angel Of Death (Really?)
Night Of The Living Dead (Unfortunately no joke. A remake of a remake of a remake this one features a few horror heavies and probably little else in the way of creativity.)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (A special edition in case Latinos were feeling left out of getting horrid, boring camera-pan movies.)
[REC] Apocalypse (Promises, promises.)
The Sacrament
Devil's Due
Bad Vibes
Cabin Fever: Outbreak (I wonder if Giuseppe Andrews will finally totally melt in this one, man.)
Cute Little Buggers
Dark Summer
Doc Of The Dead (Uh huh.)
Due Process
DV 2 (Should be great since EVERYONE'S heard of DV, right?)
Friday the 13th Part XIII: Jason Vs. Jarvis in 3D (I thought this would be extremely cheesy but hey it stars Corey Feldman so it must be legit, right?)
Grim Night
I-Lived
Insidious 3 (Versions 4 through 100 will surely follow quickly.)
Intrusion
Late Phases
Monsters Of The Midway
Nanny & Hank
Private Room
Sharknado 2: Aftersharks (Nothing makes me want to watch a movie like a bad pun.)
Squirrels (Hmm, this might be a return of the ecoterrorist genre.)
The Addams Family (Unless this is a cartoon - nah, even if it's a cartoon it's gonna suck.)
The Dead 2: India (Apparently the first was in Africa so they're just spreading the crap around.)
The Farm
The Graveyard Book
The Quiet Ones
The Theatre Bizarre 2: Grand Guignol
The Toxic Avenger (OH GOD NOOOOOOOO!)
The Vatican Tapes (Hmm, this will either be a possession movie or a molestation movie.)

My suggestion (and it's just a thought)... Amazon has some amazing collections of classic horror flicks that will cost you a fraction of going to just two of these freakshows and you'll have a whole lot more fun watching them. Yikes.