I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

And Now For SOMEONE Completely Different - Tim Forston

Tim did such a great job on such a stinker of a movie, when I reviewed The Pit I made an offhand remark that it was worse than what Tim could possibly come up with. Wrong. He actually watched a movie I had tried to watch at least four times and didn't make it once. And here we go... thanks again for saving me time and brain cells!

Ok, here's the deal Shoy kinda challenged me to find a worse movie than 'The Pit'. And I took that challenge seriously. Now before I give you any information on an actual 'horror' movie that I found I want to challenge you, the reader to something. I am going to give you a scenario, and you tell me how awesome a movie you could make.

Ok, lets go. The year: 1972, the heyday of cheap, and sometimes awesome low budget horror movies. Your studio: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer at the pinnacle of its great career. Budget: $900,000 which I know does not sound like much, but in todays dollars that’s just a few dollars shy of 5 million. Added to that fact that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was made two years later for only $83,000. 

Your cast: Stuart Whitman whom you may not know by name, but you know his movies and they were great: The Comancheros, The Longest Day and Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines which if you have never seen you most definitely should. Janet Leigh, you probably do not know her name either but picture Psycho and what do you see in your mind? The shower scene if I guessed correctly, and that would be Janet Leigh. DeForest Kelley, if I have to tell you who he is well you're an idiot, no offense. Ok I do not know how this movie is sounding to you, but it is sounding pretty damn good to me! How could it not be? Oh you will learn, unfortunately we will all learn. You see somehow with this what should have been an awesome move what we got was:

Night of the Lepus: Now this could still sound like a good movie, even though right off the bat it has bitten into the bad movie cookie of placing Night of the... in its title and having nothing to do with George Romero, and even worse not even having anything to do with zombies. What does Night of the Lepus mean you might ask, if you do not speak Latin or know your constellations? Well I will not so happily enlighten you. Lepus my friends is Latin for DA DA DA RABBITS! You got it the movie was originally just called Rabbits but MGM figured it would make the movie seem less scary so they changed it. 

The poster advertising for the movie had no rabbits and the trailer for the film had no rabbits just vague references to 'mutants'. If I had been waiting with bated breath to see this movie in theaters, I feel I could have made a pretty good case for a refund. I did actually watch this movie for this review so I could tell you what happened and actually review it. But even I cannot make you endure the cruel and unusual punishment that goes along with even seeing what happens in this movie in print. Needless to say they cannot shoot the rabbits, they cannot blow up the rabbits, but somehow they herd them into a drive-in theater using the headlights of their cars and electrocute them. And whomever directed this movie really must of thought showing rabbits running in slow motion is incredibly scary because he did it over and over again. In the end you are just thanking God that this movie is over and you still have your sight.

Tim, signing off.

Once again, thank you for going where movie-goers try not to venture: The torture-movie-from-sheer-stupidity genre. We thank you for your sacrifice.