I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Old Movies Revisited Just For The Fun Of It 



Tales From The Crypt (1972) England


Who has NOT at least once in their life read a MAD magazine? C'mon, don't be shy. You know you saw at least one or two. I still remember the very first one I saw. I was just a kid and my uncle wasn't much older than me, and he had the issue covering The Poseidon Adventure, except it was called The Poop-Side-Down Adventure. Never forgot it. I managed to buy one or two as a teen, but it wasn't until after I was married that the OCD kicked in and I tried to get every issue I could get my hands on. So I have quite a few from the 70's and even a couple from the 60's. I also have every issue starting from when I got married until I decided it was time to quit in January of 2000. Weird to think I've missed 12 years worth of it...


William Gaines didn't just like the funny stuff, he liked the scary stuff. His other rags included Tales From The Crypt, Vault Of Horror and The Haunt Of Fear. Pretty schlocky stuff now, but back then everyone just ate it up. Hence the movie adaptation of some of his early stories. What's fun is some of the people willing to be in this movie - there are actually a couple of big names here.


Tales from the Crypt is an anthology film consisting of five separate segments. In the film, five strangers get lost in old catacombs during a tour and encounter the mysterious Crypt Keeper (Ralph Richardson) in a crypt (duh), and he tells each in turn the manner of their death.



And All Through the House: Joanne Clayton (Joan Collins) kills her husband on Christmas Eve This may have been shocking back then but now is not so uncommon that she does this on Christmas with her little girl still in the house. She prepares to hide his body but hears a radio announcement stating that a homicidal maniac is on the loose. She sees the killer outside her house but cannot call the police without exposing her own crimes. This twist is the little girl, not asleep at all, thinks the maniac is Santa since he has stolen a costume and lets him right in, to strangle Joanne and get her comeuppance.


Reflection of Death: Carl abandons his family to be with Susan. After they drive off together, they are involved in a car accident. He wakes up in the wrecked car and attempts to hitchhike home, but no one will stop for him. Arriving at his house, he sees his wife with another man. He knocks on the door, but she screams and slams the door. He then goes to see Susan to find out that she is blind from the accident. She says that Carl died two years ago from the crash. Looking in a reflective tabletop he sees he has the face of a corpse. Carl then wakes up and finds out that it was a dream but the moment he does, the crash occurs as it did before. Your typical deja vu type of story, but again back then it's pretty creepy. And there's a little zombie action so...

Poetic Justice: Edward and his son James are a snobbish pair who resent their neighbor, retired garbage man Arthur Grimsdyke (Peter Cushing) who owns a number of animals and entertains children in his house. To get rid of what they see as a blight on the neighborhood, they push Grimsdyke into a frenzy by conducting a smear campaign against him, first resulting in the removal of his beloved dogs (while one of them came back to him), and later exploiting parents' paranoiac fears about child molestation (again with shock value for that time period). He consults with his dead wife (oh, those ouija boards, were they EVER considered to be as worthless as they actually are?).


On Valentine's Day, James sends Grimsdyke a number of poison-pen Valentines, supposedly from the neighbors, driving the old man to suicide. Exactly one year later, Arthur comes back from the dead (yay another zombie) and takes revenge. The following morning, Edward finds his son dead with a note that says, "You were mean and cruel right from the start, now you really have no... the rest is wadded up. Edward unwraps the paper and finds his son's heart, still beating (okay okay, not perfect but..). 

Wish You Were Here: This is a blatant copy of W. W. Jacobs' famed short story 'The Monkey's Paw'. They even admit that in the story, and so it's not really a rip-off, but more of an homage. Ralph is out of money. His wife discovers a Chinese figurine that says it will grant three wishes to whoever possesses it. Ralph knows the story of the monkey's paw and says forget it, I know how it ends. The wife, though, decides to go for it and wishes for lots of money. Next you see Ralph driving, being chased by a motorcycle with a skull for a head (but obviously an intact face behind it - oh well, special effects are expensive). His car crashes and he's killed. She tells the lawyer that she's going to try it again but he knows the story too and tells her the horrible ending. She doesn't care, she wishes for Ralph back the way he was right before the accident anyway. There's a knock on the door and pallbearers bring Ralph in his coffin into the house. She goes to open it and that's when she's told he didn't die from the crash, he had a heart attack. So, one more wish and, you guessed it, she wishes him alive for all eternity. Trouble is, he's already been embalmed so he immediately starts screaming from the pain. Grabbing a sword (that's convenient) she chops him up (good use of white pig intestines here) but it's no use - her wish is that he would live forever, no matter how many pieces he's in. Be careful what you... oh, you know the rest.


Blind Alleys: Major William Rogers, the new director of a home for the blind, makes drastic financial cuts, reducing heat and rationing food for the residents, while he lives in luxury with Shane, his Belgian Malinois (f you think it looks like a German Shepherd, yeah, that's what it is, just a Belgian breed). When he ignores complaints and a man dies due to the cold, the blind residents, led by George (Patrick Magee who you may recognize as the tortured old fella from A Clockwork Orange) exact revenge by constructing in the basement a maze of narrow corridors lined with razor blades (In other words, the Saw movies didn't have completely original ideas either. I swear one of them had this exact setup.). They starve the Major's dog, place the Major in the maze's center, release the dog and turn off the basement lights. Ouchie ouchie chomp chomp.


After completing the final tale, the Crypt Keeper reveals that he was telling them what had happened - they have all died without repentance. The door to Hell opens, and the visitors all enter. "And now ... who is next?" asks the Crypt Keeper, turning to face the camera. "Perhaps you?"





If you can find a copy that is not five seconds out of sync with the soundtrack, I recommend this movie for a chuckle or two...