Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Old Movies Revisited Just For The Fun Of It 



Once again my friend Tim Forston provided a great review of a nasty stinker of a movie. But he forgot one little thing... or should I say star that was worth mentioning. Ten lashes with a wet noodle for that one Tim, because of the stars you mentioned that were unfortunate enough to be in Night Of The Lepus, you forgot Rory Calhoun. Now this is a major star that your mother, or probably grandmother, used to dream about. In his heyday he was not only a huge ladies man but in tons of films (mostly Westerns) as well as television. Toward the end though, it was movies like NOTL and this one where you could find him, before his death in 1999.

Here's a brief rundown on Mr. Calhoun: He was born in L.A., his dad died when he was a baby, he went through several name changes, he actually spent most of his adolescence in detention centers or jail, in fact only getting out of San Quentin just before he turned 21. He then by chance met Alan Ladd whose wife was an agent, and off he went. By the time he was massively popular he had gone through two wives and several lovers. In fact one wife said he probably had about 79 different lovers. His response? "Heck, she didn't even include half of them." Yeah, he was pretty much a jerk, but so are most famous people so he fit right in. Check his wiki page out and I'm sure you'll recognize at least several things he's been in, especially the cult films he starred in his later years. With that being said:

Motel Hell (1980) 

The plot: Farmer Vincent Smith (Rory Calhoun) and his younger sister Ida live on a farm with a motel attached. It's called 'Motel Hello,' but the 'o' is burned out. Vincent smokes meats that bring people from miles around because they are so delicious. The secret: Not much of one because they tell you right away. It's human meat mixed with the other animals. More tender I guess. Everyone in the county plus visitors have been eating this stuff for years (all natural, no preservatives). Vincent traps various tourists that go by, sinking their vehicles in a lake. The victims are restrained, then placed in a 'secret garden',
 buried up to their necks, and have their vocal chords cut to prevent them from screaming. They are kept in the ground and fed until they are ready for harvest. Ida helps Vincent, who feels he does no wrong and sees the victims as animals. He of course has to keep everything fenced in and secret (even though this is an inbred county and everyone is practically related to everyone else, no one seems to have caught on to this) and can only 'farm' at night.

One day Vincent shoots out the tires of a couple on a motorcycle. The man is placed in the garden, but Vincent likes the young blond nubile female and keeps her (bits of the old Rory springing out I guess). Vincent's naive younger brother, Sheriff Bruce (very familiar character actor Paul Linke) arrives, and Vincent tells Terry her boyfriend died in the accident and was buried (apparently no laws on embalming or private burial in this county). Terry, having nowhere else to go, decides to stay at the motel. Vincent uses his folksy charm to woo Terry (creepy, since he's probably three times her age) but his brother wants her too and they kind of do a little dance around her.


This goes on for a while - the blond is grateful and quickly forgetting her boyfriend tries to make it with Vincent (eww), Vincent meanwhile is catching people left and right and planting and harvesting (one victim includes a pre-Cheers John Ratzenberger). He then decides he wants Terry to learn how to smoke meat. Ida doesn't like that, and tries to drown her, but fails. Vincent rescues her and they decide to get married right away. Bruce drives down to the motel to protest Terry's choice. He tells Terry Vincent has 'syphilis of the brain,’ perhaps providing a reason for his behavior, before Vincent appears and chases his brother with a shotgun. 

To prepare for the wedding, Vincent, Terry, and Ida drink champagne, but Ida drugs it so Terry passes out. Ida and Vincent then prepare some victims for the wedding. Meanwhile, Bruce does detective work (finally) and becomes suspicious of his brother.

Vincent and Ida kill three victims and take them to Vincent's meat processing plant. Doing so loosens the dirt around Bo, and he begins to escape. Bruce sneaks back to the motel to rescue Terry, but Ida returns and ambushes Bruce when he leaves the room. She knocks him out, and then takes 
Terry at gunpoint to the meat processing plant. Meanwhile, Bo escapes and frees the other victims. Vincent sends Ida back to the motel to fetch his brother, but the victims knock her out. Terry tries to escape, but Vincent gasses her, and then ties her to a conveyor belt. He is interrupted by Bo, who crashes through a window, but Vincent strangles the weakened man.

Bruce awakens, finds one of his brother's shotguns, and goes to the plant, but finds that his brother has armed himself with a giant chainsaw (and, for some unexplained and bizarre reason, perhaps to hide the fact that this is probably a stunt double, is wearing a hog's head). Vincent disarms his brother, but Bruce grabs his own chainsaw and duels Vincent. During the fight, the belt Terry is tied to activates, sending her slowly towards a cutting blade. Despite suffering several wounds, Bruce drives the chainsaw deep into Vincent's side. 

Bruce frees Terry and then returns with her to his brother, who gasps his final words, leaving the farm and 'secret garden' to Bruce, and then lamenting that he was a hypocrite because he used preservatives. Bruce and Terry go to the ‘secret garden’ and find it empty, except for Ida, who is buried head first. They head past the motel, while Bruce comments how he was glad he left home when he was eleven. Terry suggests burning the motel, claiming it is evil. The sign saying “Motel Hello” finally fully shorts out, permanently darkening the ‘O’.


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