I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Throw-Away Movies That Can Still Be Kind Of Fun


Urban Legends (1998) Urban Legends: The Final Cut (2000)

30 Seconds To Mars

I still remember the conversation I had with a teenage girl when I was telling her she might like this movie. I was telling her it starred Jared Leto who's been in a couple of other movies I liked. She asserted that no, that's not right, Jared Leto is a singer. No, I said, he's an actor. If you know anything about teenagers, you know that there is no arguing or reasoning with them unless you really get into being frustrated. So I looked this guy up - we were both right. Jared is the frontman to the group 30 Seconds To Mars (Gee how could I have missed that, they're so HUGE... plbbbt) and also decided to start an acting career. So his is the only 'name' in the first movie, although you will recognize plenty of faces throughout the film. My main interest in theses two movies, having missed them when they first came out, was because I Facebook regularly (Is that a verb?) and scams, rumors and urban legends run rampant. There are good anti-scam websites to check this stuff out but I was told by one irate person (they don't like me posting links that show they put up something stupid - I wonder why) that they just don't have the time to check things out before they post them. So I timed myself. And couldn't. My watch doesn't do tenths of a second very well. In other words, if you want to know if something is true, snopes.com or hoax-slayer.com are two good sources to check out and it will take 15, 20 seconds tops. And you won't get pissed at me for pointing out the obvious to you.


Urban Legends: So we open with the 'urban legend' of the axe wielding murderer in the back seat of a car, except it is now really happening. The girl, Michelle, stops for gas and the gas station attendant (Brad Dourif in way too small of a role) tries to warn her but has a severe stuttering problem so she takes off in fright. And dies. And we pan to Pendleton University where students are exchanging 'true' stories that happened to a cousin of a friend of a neighbor (which is usually how it works). One tells of the 'Stanley Hall Massacre' about 25 years ago when a crazy professor killed a dozen students. Paul (played with sarcasm by Jared Leto) works for the college paper and scoffs at their childish stories. After some silly stuff we see a professor (again a woefully short role by Robert Englund) talks about urban legends and how they're spread (and Facebook didn't even exist then). Later that day, Paul distributes newspapers detailing the decapitation murder the previous night but all the papers are seized by the dean who refuses to let 'rumors' be spread around the campus.

I don't care if you sing, I'm not sleeping with you.

Next we have the urban legend of the boy and girl alone in a car. The boy gets out, the killer hangs him in a tree, his feet scraping the roof. He doesn't die until the stupid girl (Natalie, played by Alicia Witt) drives away, pulling the rope and strangling him. Duh. The next day, nobody believes her and they think the boy's disappearance is one of his practical jokes. The next involves the girl's roommate who regularly has sex with boys in their dorm. She thinks that is what's happening when she hears noises and leaves the lights off. She wakes up and sees her roommate dead from slashed wrists and a message left by the killer written on a wall in blood saying: "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights?" So she convinces Paul to help her look up the legend of the 'Stanley Hall Massacre and find that their professor (Englund) was in the building that night and the only survivor, so of course they suspect him. Why is the girl so convinced she is right and everyone else is wrong thinking joke, accident or suicide? Her backstory: She did know the girl killed by the axe murderer. She tells the story of how she and Michelle were out driving one night on a dark road without their headlights on when a passing car flashed them and, with Michelle driving, they chased down the car (another urban legend) and the car went off the road and the driver was killed. Next the dean gets killed but I don't recognize the method of death as an urban legend so... head scratcher there. And the silliness continues, just entertaining enough to keep going, too silly and preposterous to take seriously. Finally it is revealed that a girl pretending to be Natalie's friend is actually the former fiancee' of the guy Natalie and Michelle accidentally killed while in high school. And she wants blood.

I'm going slightly mad...

Natalie tries to get help from the campus security officer (an over the top performance by Loretta Devine) but she isn't believed of course. And of course being in a horror movie makes you stupid so it doesn't take much for Brenda to catch Natalie, planning on killing her in the style of the 'kidney heist' legend. She's rescued at the last minute by the security officer but Brenda gets away despite being shot. Paul (he showed up sometime during this) and Natalie drive off for help - and are nearly killed as a still alive Brenda pops up in the back seat and tries to axe the both of them. They lose control of the car (nobody in horror movies can drive worth a crap) and it hits the guardrail. Brenda, not wearing a seatbelt, is thrown through the windshield into the cold water below and dies. All is well. Not.

Does knife beat gun in this game?

Skip ahead to another college. A group of students are discussing the recent Pendleton Massacre and about the urban legends, when one student, who's actually Brenda somehow unable to die, offers to tell them the real story. Duh. But it is slightly entertaining and the main point is an urban legend IS NOT REAL OKAY? STOP POSTING THEM ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE!!!  Wow, sorry about that, I don't know where that came from.

Urban Legends: The Final Cut: In this incarnation, the college students study film and are preparing their thesis films. So we've got a fresh batch of faces, with the exception of Loretta Devine, who reprises her role as a security officer who got transferred to this particular college (oh what luck). 

Of course I live, I'm the main character!

One girl Amy (Jennifer Morrison) doesn't have a clue what to do her thesis on so she settles on a version of the security guard's story of Brenda's killing spree at Pendleton. Meanwhile, a student named Lisa is drinking in a bar, when someone drugs her drink. She wakes up in a bathtub filled with ice and discovers that her kidney was removed. She tries to escape through the window but is decapitated. When Sandra, Amy's actress friend, returns to an empty studio she is attacked and killed. Travis, a friend of Amy who was depressed about having received a poor grade on his thesis film, is found to have committed suicide at the campus tower. At the funeral, Amy is offered help by Graham (OMG it's Joey Lawrence and don't say 'who?' just Google him), but she doesn't want his help. At night, Amy enters the tower and is surprised by Trevor, Travis' twin brother, who claims that Travis was murdered. The next night, camera man Simon is attacked by the killer but his screaming for help goes unnoticed as the others are doing the "midnight scream" (another urban legend). Amy tries to get help, knowing these people are being murdered but, again being a horror film, no one believes her, not even the security officer who by now should know better, right?

How is this preparing us to flip burgers again?

Unfortunately this is not as interesting as the first movie as you know what's going to happen. Another urban legend, another person dies. So let's skip to the chase. The film professor, Solomon, did it, okay? Solomon had failed as a film maker (those who can't do, teach) and hated that Travis had this brilliant film when he was stuck teaching little brats how to make movies. Fighting with silly sight gags ensues and once again the security officer comes in the nick of time, saving the day, I guess. The final scenes show Solomon in a mental institution where, after watching Amy's film, the nurse asks him if he enjoyed the movie. He is wheeled out by a nurse, who is revealed to be Brenda, the previous film's killer saying that they have a lot in common.

That's it - I'm going back to my job in the post office.