Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Throw-Away Movies That Can Still Be Kind Of Fun 



Cursed (2005)


This is back before werewolves were totally buff and required to wear nothing but shorts (and that's the only Twilight reference I'm going to make, promise). It's fluff and nonsense, but it has some entertaining moments, although it is highly predictable and there are really no big surprises. Oh, and Scott Baio is briefly in it as well as Craig Kilborn (please don't say 'Who?') as themselves. The beginning starts when two friends visit a fortune teller (played for some reason briefly by Portia de Rossi) who tells them they're in deep sh... trouble. They scoff - which of course means they're going to die. Don't make fun of gypsies in movies (see Thinner, Drag Me To Hell).


Meanwhile back at the farm... no really, we cut away to Ellie (Christina Ricci) and her brother Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg, who's always fun to watch). They live alone since their parents died. Ellie works for Craig Kilborn as whoever it is that books guests. She is dating a handsome guy Jake (Joshua Jackson) who is building a new night club. The siblings are driving home one night when they hit an animal and then another car. The other car goes down a ravine. Both Ellie and Jimmy aren't hurt and try to save the woman in the overturned car. While they're working to get her out, something grabs her and scrams, and they hear her screams. Both siblings are slashed by the 'animal' that took the woman. Jimmy starts thinking about werewolves but this is a movie so no one believes him. But both start to change, slowly. Jimmy's dog growls at him and bites him, which of course turns him wolfy also (didn't know that happened to dogs).


Ellie starts to get more... beautiful (like she needed help) and even loser Jimmy becomes more attractive to his schoolmates and stronger too. In a scene reminiscent of Teen Wolf (but not as funny) Jimmy is goaded into trying out for wrestling by stereotypical bully Bo, whose girlfriend Jimmy really likes. Being much stronger, Jimmy shows some WWE moves and wipes out all comers. Ellie had tried to tell Jimmy they weren't werewolves by holding a silver picture frame, but later when he holds a silver cake server he gets burned and finds the frame was actually stainless steel. So he's off to rescue his sister from ???.


So who's the werewolf? Wow, with all the movie choices... just kidding. The killings were done by a jilted lover of Jake's, Joanie (played enthusiastically by Judy Greer) who got infected from a one-night stand. So Jake is the 'alpha male' of werewolves. Why no 'alpha female'? Sexist. Okay Joanie wants Ellie dead and a battle ensues, with both Ellie and Jimmy running around Jake's newly opened night club trying to stay alive. Oh, and the bully, Bo? It turns out that he's actually gay and is now in love with Jimmy. This seems to be a growing trend in movies and on TV - the bigger the bully, the gayer they are. I don't think that's a good thing. Joanie is eventually killed and Ellie, Jimmy and Bo get back home to find that the wolf-dog has destroyed it (but then again regular dogs do that so...). Jake shows up at the house. He wants to keep Ellie, but since he's the 'alpha male', Jimmy has to die. After a silly fight (two werewolves against one and they still can't do very well) somehow Ellie chops Jake's head off, breaking the curse.


The movie ends with Ellie cleaning up all the mess (thanks Jimmy) and the girl Jimmy liked, Bo's former girlfriend, shows up. He offers to walk her home, inviting an uncomfortable Bo to come along with them. And all is well. And there was no sequel. So all is really well.



Oh, what about Scott Baio? Just a couple of cameos as a guest of Craig Kilborn - who gets bumped from the show for another guest. Even as a cameo the guy can't catch a break.

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