I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Stupid They're Almost Good - Really!



House (1986)


Long before a Brit came to America to become a scruffy limping genius of a doctor we already had House. Now this movie had a lot of seeming strikes against it. It starred William Katt (Who? Let's see.... son of Barbara Hale, Perry Mason's secretary, and star of the short-lived and goofy The Greatest American Hero) and Kay Lenz (Ah, just Google her). And Richard Moll. And George Wendt. Not names you'd think of for horror. But, this is comedy/horror, a genre I really don't trust but guess what? Sometimes it works. I truly enjoyed this movie when it first came out and getting to revisit it was actually still fun.


Now there are a couple things are in this movie that I think got ripped off later and made others some big bucks. One we have a scene where a mounted swordfish begins to wiggle like crazy. Somebody later created Billy Bass, who did basically the same thing but sang (yuck). Worth millions. A scene shows horrible child-like creatures that are really gross that attack a small child. Sounds like Garbage Pail Kid material to me. Oops wait, that was 1985, the same time this was filmed, so we kind of have a close race there.


The house, one of those huge, gorgeous Victorian models looks awfully familiar. I swear I've seen it in other movies. If you read this, recognize the house and a movie it was in, let me know and I'll add it to this review.


The plot: Roger Cobb (William Katt), an author of horror novels, moves into the house of his deceased aunt. He and his wife Sandy Sinclair (Kay Lenz) have been divorced since, during a stay at his aunt's house, his son Jimmy falls into the swimming pool and disappears without a trace. Because somewhere inside him he believes his son to still be alive and in the house he cannot sell it. Instead he chooses to stay and write a new novel about his experiences in Vietnam. 


The House is anything but normal. Doors open to rooms one moment, into other dimensions or even Vietnam during the 60's the next. Roger tries to record the stuff happening without much success. Meanwhile his neighbor, Harold Gorton (George Wendt), thinks that Roger is as crazy as his aunt was. But was she? She knew the house was 'haunted'.

As he writes the novel, as I'm sure what would happen with most war veterans in that situation, he begins to have flashbacks about the horrible experiences witnessed there, especially about his friend Big Ben (Richard Moll, in the only role you'll ever see him with hair I'd wager). He meets a beautiful neighbor but she's more interested in a babysitter than a boyfriend. One night she dumps little Robert, who seems to be around two, on him although he protests profusely. The reason why is by this time, Roger is seeing things. And experiencing things. Like flying garden tools, a monster in the closet, an encounter with what he thinks to be his wife but is actually Sandywitch (her name in the credits), the ghost of his aunt, and continued emotional flashbacks about his friend Big Ben. When Robert starts to fuss, he gives him toy after toy, finally saying "How about a nice plastic bag to play with?" Ha! You couldn't get away with saying that now, people are too sensitive about that kind of thing. The Garbage Pail Kid look-a-likes (or Little Critters if they were first I don't know) grab the boy and he has to fight them to get the little one back. Good thing the kid can't talk - especially about the plastic bag remark, much less the monsters.


Roger finds a painting his aunt created where his son is shown to be trapped in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Roger opens it - just stuff. But when he smashes the mirror, there's a black abyss and he hears his son's voice calling him. He gets a rope, crawls down, lands in water and swims to shore where he finds his son in a cage and rescues him. There's gunfire and they dive into the water, coming up in, of course, the swimming pool of the House. One continuity error - once in the house both are completely dry and clean. Oops.


But it's not over. Big Ben, now a zombie I guess (without the lust for brains) wants revenge for being abandoned in the Vietnam jungle. He shows up, and they tussle all over for a while until Roger figures out that while he can get hurt by the House, it can't kill him and neither can Big Ben. He sets off a grenade inside Big Ben which catches the house on fire, and the final scene is Sandy conveniently showing up by cab staring at the house in flames, and Roger and Jimmy come out the front door. Again a slight break in continuity as both are once again clean, dry, and unharmed (even their clothes look pressed).


And a good time was had by all. At least in my opinion. Yes the premise is thin. The cast makes you say 'huh?'. The effects are cartoonish. The situations ridiculous. And yet, you enjoyed the ride. At least I did.


Now there was a House 2 but - like most sequels - I wouldn't bother with it unless you've got nothing else.