Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Movies That Are Outright Rip-Offs Of... Just About Everything 


Victim Of The Haunt aka The Uninvited (1996)
Made For TV

I've said it before and I'll say it again, any movie that begins with 'based on true events' immediately sends a red flag up. It tells me that somebody heard something go bump in the night, maybe a voice or two, wanted to make money out of it and bam, you've got a movie. The big problem is when you copy a popular movie so closely, any type of 'true' feel to the story goes right out the window. This is yet another cheap, badly acted, boring version of Poltergeist. Pure and simple. Take the basic formula, change things around a little, check off a list of things that made Poltergeist a good movie (I'll tell you when) and then proceed to bore the crap out of people for an hour and a half. They even had to change the name - it was originally The Uninvited, but do you know how many movies have that title? Originally appearing on CBS (that ought to tell you something right there) it made it to cable, and there the title was changed. Since you know Poltergeist, I'll make this quick.


Synopsis: Pattie is a little nutzoid after bearing a stillborn child. Her husband Charles decides they need to move where she can rest up, and they get out of the city into a newly developed subdivision (check). Almost immediately she sees and hears strange things (check). The smallest child seems to be the focus of the strange happenings (check). We feel sorry for the family as they seem pretty likable (nope, not in this one). While Pattie totally believes supernatural things are going on Charles is skeptical (check).

Pattie is examined and even hospitalized because of her claims. The children back her up, but the doctor explains they only believe it because she says it's true. The older child finds a locket with a name on it, last name of Parrish. Pattie tracks the name down: it is the only survivor of a horrible event that happened where the house is now standing (check). Her father went nuts, killed her little brother, her mother shot him and went to prison, and she - well, it doesn't say what she did with her life. After events that you know are very well dramatized or didn't happen at all, she finally decides to consult a psychic, a woman with a really bad black wig that keeps slipping (check - except for the wig). Pattie explains the noises, the lights, the bathtub filling by itself and the eggs stacking themselves (okay, eggs instead of chairs, still check). The psychic says the boy is lost and needs to go to the light (check). The evil is the father who wants to drain them of their energies so she needs to keep her family together and be strong to defeat the evil (check).

Finally Charles sees and hears what his wife has been claiming all along. She had told him the surviving Parrish woman had wondered where the family graves went. He digs up the yard and finds the desecrated graves (check). The little boy's spirit is helped to 'go into the light' and the mother screws up her courage and tells the 'evil' that she's not scared (bull) and go away. Which it does. Duh. They then grab a few things and hotfoot it to a motel (check).

A notice at the end says that the Parrish graves were moved to a graveyard, Charles and Pattie sued the house builder (what the hell did he do?) and got most of their money back and moved away. The end. Don't bother with this drivel, you know probably almost none of it actually happened, and Poltergeist is much more entertaining.

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