Platoon Of The Dead (2009) Available on YouTubeAs I've said before, if you think you have an original idea, you don't use Of The Dead in the title, you're just trying to get people to watch what they think is a Romero movie. Romero wouldn't spit on this one. And to tell the honest truth, I could not even get through it the first time. But, since I watch 'em so you don't have to I took an hour or two, some deep breathing and a shot or two of whiskey, and tried it again. And am now editing it for the third time just to attempt to make some sense out of this piece of - uh movie. It is a movie that actually did try to make some things a little different and ended up making something that was, well, just awful.
To watch this movie, you have to sign in because of, among the usual gore aspects, it contains flashing/flickering lights. So it is not only bad for people expecting a good movie, but apparently not so great for those with epilepsy either. The 'lights' come from the 'laser guns' they use to fight with that is so weak (read cheap addition in post production) that the only irritant is whether they decide to stick with green for good guys and red for bad - or was it the other way around? I don't think they made up their minds about that one. The 'guns' actually make a 'pew pew' sound and you could probably buy one at Toys R Us
The premise is that men are nasty and like to kill. Duh. But now something more dangerous is hunting THEM. The dead. Excuse me, the undead. They have risen (sounds kind of religious) and have decided to make an army of their own. Further into the movie it is revealed that this whole business started because five kids played with a Ouija board and 'something evil' came out, raising the dead to destroy man. Something full of hatred, of vengeance, something that hates.... Don't get fancy guys, just call 'em demons - who else is it going to be, extraterrestrials?
There are three surviving soldiers that don't seem to know anything about the military at all. One is a lieutenant who had such long hair I actually was envious and enough eye makeup to make Johnny Depp envious (in fact Johnny look close - that will probably be you in ten or fifteen years). One is a sergeant with an evil disposition (duh there's always gotta be one) and the other an 'I'm a soldier but I don't want to kill anyone' private. Every 'soldier' in this movie including the 'zombies' looks like they picked their outfits from an army surplus store. Then there's the interest crushing dialogue (One: "Did you find anyone else alive?" Two: "Just in pieces." Oh, live pieces? That must hurt.), the continuity errors, overpowering background music (turn those bassoons and cellos down a bit, would you please?), the head scratching 'logic', and, oh, just pick something, everything made this movie on the high side of awful. I have a high tolerance for duh, especially when it's a low budget film that's trying to be original but I have my limits.
Things appear and disappear from scene to scene, during one scene inside an abandoned cabin (thank you hubby for your quick eye) a car drives by (you can see the reflection through the window onto the cupboard) twice, and no one is dressed like they're from the same platoon much less army. In fact, you never see a 'platoon'. Official definition: : a subdivision of a company-sized military unit normally consisting of two or more squads or sections. Nope, none of those here. Ever. Oh and I love how they describe these zombie soldiers as 'weak because they're dead and rotting' but less than five minutes later they are 'stronger than us because they're already dead.' Make up your mind people.They get to this abandoned cabin and that's where the rest of the movie takes place. For over an hour. They find three women (oh what luck) with no backstories, at least none they're willing to share but be thankful or they would just take up time and more useless dialogue. In flashbacks they attempt to 'humanize' the characters to show how much they have lost in this horrible war (read horrible movie) but you really can't care, you just want the time to move forward and the movie to end.
The women have lived in the cabin for months, safe because, what a shocker, one of their number is the 'fifth' of the five idiot kids who played with the Hasbro Ouija board (Fun for the whole family! Raise your very own demon!) and so she is protected from these runny-putty looking zombies (the worst ones wear gas masks to, I assume, keep their faces from dripping onto the ground). Supposedly those with her are also protected. Uh huh. The goal of the army has been to find the five kids who started this (Why? We're never told and that's a good thing - there was waaaaay too much exposition as it was.) so the soldiers think of bringing her in.
The women have lived in the cabin for months, safe because, what a shocker, one of their number is the 'fifth' of the five idiot kids who played with the Hasbro Ouija board (Fun for the whole family! Raise your very own demon!) and so she is protected from these runny-putty looking zombies (the worst ones wear gas masks to, I assume, keep their faces from dripping onto the ground). Supposedly those with her are also protected. Uh huh. The goal of the army has been to find the five kids who started this (Why? We're never told and that's a good thing - there was waaaaay too much exposition as it was.) so the soldiers think of bringing her in.
But they have to make a bargain - to get out alive, they have to promise to let the 'fifth' go. But there's more. Sigh. The 'fifth', being mute (raising demons is hell on the throat), couldn't tell them one of the remaining two women is the 'fourth' and has gone to the side of the zombies. The soldiers and two of the women are drugged and tied up (Not eaten? Rats, at least that would have been interesting.). A 'cringe' scene (they tried anyway) of one soldier having his eye torn out results in him groaning as if he had a headache. Tough sucker. Or just bad acting. You pick.
So they think they're getting away - those left alive anyway. As they approach the 'pick up zone' the 'fifth' in inexplicably shot and killed by the zombies that were supposed to protect her. Why? Do we even care? It would just make the movie longer. The remaining survivor goes with the pick-up soldier (Just one?) and they escape in - don't laugh - a minivan. With Oregon plates. Oh what a proud moment for me. What the survivor doesn't know (it's the private and he really hasn't known anything for the whole movie) is that the 'fourth' had put a homing beacon on his gun (which he lost during the movie more times than I could count) and so he was allowed to go free to lead the zombies to the main base. As the movie comes to an Oh-Thank-You-God close, he inexplicably throws the weapon to the side of the road. We then see a big red blinking light and hear the beep beep of the beacon. And he couldn't see or hear that? Oy vey. But cheer up, at least here comes the credits...
And work on your titles people. The Soldiers That Couldn't Die. The Dead Fight Back. Dead Soldiers vs. Live Soldiers. My Parents Went To Haiti And All I Got Was This Stupid Ouija Board. Anything - just don't put Of The Dead after it.
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