Twilight (2008)Twilight - New Moon (2009)
Twilight - Eclipse (2010)
With special guest star and thanks to the movie Vampires Suck (2010)
Talk about sticking your neck out. I could get staked for this. People will say my review really sucks. (Is that enough puns for you?)
To say that Twilight has become a teen phenomenon is like saying that cocaine is just a little addictive. A massive understatement. Twilight has nearly become a religion to young girls (some guys) and more than a few adults.
I saw the movie Vampires Suck first. If you haven't seen any Twilight movies (because you've got a lot more common sense than most), see this movie first. It will pretty much tell you that you don't need to see the series - you've basically got it down. The girl is a massive downer, the guy is 104, the population is stupidly oblivious, and, oh yeah, let's throw in a budding werewolf just to keep things..... incredibly dull.
And I mean D-U-L-L. I don't think I feel that way because I'm not 15, I think I just have above average intelligence and realize a real piece of garbage when I see it. Yup, I can see the crosses and holy water coming at me right now. Good thing vampires are Catholic - I'm not so I should be safe. Okay, obvious points follow. Teenagers do sulk. A lot. They're miserable. A lot. They want something mysterious, romantic and different. A lot. So exactly why did this series have to be made? Oh yeah. Billions of dollars. Duh.I love the twisted sense of values the movies present. Killing is okay. Drinking blood is okay. Splitting out of your clothes and turning into a wolf is okay. Taking off without telling your father to go to another country is okay. But sex - OH MY DEAR LORD WE DON'T EVEN SAY THAT WORD!!!!
In other words this is trying to be romantic and sexy and mysterious without the need for birth control. Pfffft.
I gotta admit watching the werewolves was a kick though. In Twilight mythology, when a wolf matures, he suddenly looks like he's lifted weights all his life (super buff), and has to wear nothing but jean shorts. No shirts, no shoes, no socks, and presumably no underwear. Must be hard for a werewolf to get into a restaurant. And since they're splitting out of those extra tight shorts several times a day, they must be getting a great discount from Abercrombie & Fitch. Female werewolves are of course fully clothed. No sex allowed, remember? Having them going around in nothing but shorts would be... much more interesting than the entire series.No I haven't seen the whatever-it's-called two part ending and I don't intend to. Skip Twilight, but maybe give Vampires Suck a try. The comedy is a bit forced and obvious but the main movie points are in there and it will save you approximately 10 hours of grueling boredom watching.... what's their names? Ah, Edward, Bella and Jacob.
Well, I see the lighted torches and pitchforks coming my way, so my review is over.
 |
The vamp on the right must want to be a werewolf. |
No comments:
Post a Comment