Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Movies So Stupid They're Almost Good - No, Wait, They're Still Bad


Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) Television Movie


Is there a single fan of Jersey Shore (I mean a single person who will admit that they regularly watch and enjoy this show)? Are there actually people who follow the lives of The Situation, Snooki and the rest of the idiots - umm I mean residents of Jersey Shore? Raise your hands, don't be shy.


If you have never seen a single episode (I've seen parts made fun of on Beavis and Butthead but that's it) you still might enjoy this movie just for the heck of it. If nothing else is on. And it's raining outside. And you're car is out of gas. And the internet is down.


This movie starts by referring to an actual incident on Jersey Shore back in 1916. Now then there was a heat wave and outbreak of polio and somehow those two things combined made tons of people flock to the beach. The jury is still out as to which species of shark was responsible, but four people did die, with one 14 year old boy surviving. This incident inspired Peter Benchley to write Jaws and several Guidos to come up with this movie (just kidding, several wrote this but I don't know their ethnic backgrounds). In the movie, they blame the 1916 attacks on the vibrations caused when the boardwalk was built that supposedly attracted the sharks. Actually the boardwalk was constructed around the end of the 1800's but oh well.


It follows the adventures of Jersey Shore copies including The Complication and Nookie. It even uses the same freeze frames to introduce the characters that I assume is used on the JS show. Of course, the Guido's (they call them that, I'm not trying to be prejudiced) rivals are a bunch of rich preppies who want the boardwalk cleared out and a resort built. Drilling begins into the ocean floor to set the foundations for this new resort. The vibrations attracts the very rare albino shark (not so rare, I found several different variations listed in Google). And then the horror (and by that I mean realizing this movie has over an hour to go) begins. The copying of JS is amusing - for a couple of minutes. But the Director didn't keep a very tight leash on the film - the character's accents slip in and out, and magically there is no blood in the water when someone is chewed up. 


Oh, a bright spot though. Joey Fatone, formerly of 'N Sync has a spot in the movie - and is promptly eaten. So there's something to look forward to. Other than that, it limps along trying to be scary but these albino sharks are awfully small, we're talking dolphin sized here. But there's a whole mess of them. So much for 'rare'.


Of course ultimately the Guidos are shown to be heroes, saving the lives of the preppies and all is well. By that I mean the movie is over.

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