Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, October 15, 2012

1,000 Ways To Die

Which Ways I'd Prefer Not To Die:

I'm sure many of you have seen this show at one time or another... I used to watch it frequently but my husband was a massive buzz kill and insisted on stating after every scenario "that was fake" which, true or not takes away any enjoyment I might have watching it, so I stopped. But even if there aren't exactly 100 percent true stories in this show, it was still entertaining and, sometimes, a bit informative. I definitely learned one thing if anything: The ways in which I'd  prefer NOT to die. Watching a ton of horror movies shows a lot of death in a lot of ways (if they're trying to be creative, if not it's just a machete or an arrow to the head or something) and the WAY some die, not just the weapon or means, but the actual 'this is who I am at the moment of death' has got me thinking hard about it and the pros and cons.

As many know because I've whined before, I find myself in a situation I never expected - being disabled while still (relatively) young. I've always worked hard, from high school on, so this - illness has been an eye opener for me as well as a mental crushing tool that invades every thought I have and, yes, makes the thought of death one that comes often. But how to die?

In 1,000 Ways To Die it's usually by massive duh reasons (Especially the ones they show from Oregon, what the hell?), a prank gone wrong, and every once in a while, something natural that caused unnatural death. They usually make fun of all these dead people of course, which makes me wonder how the families think of all of this (assuming any of it is real)...

How would I like to die? Certainly not whining in pain in bed, wishing my breathing would just stop. Oh no, I'm gonna be going out much bigger than that. It's gonna be newsworthy (NOT this show newsworthy, sorry guys) or it's gonna be in a blaze of, I dunno, slaying a horde of zombies? How does anyone know just how they're going to die? All I DO know is the NOT which, according to the horror movies I've been watching, is the following:

1. I will NOT have my head exploded by an errant sentient tire.
2. I will NOT die up against a tree in the woods as a psycho comes to kill me whimpering, 'Why me?'
3. I will NOT be movie-stupid and run my car into a ravine because I swerved to avoid something in the road.
4. I will NOT be the bitch tied up because she was too busy screaming to run and get away (in high heels) awaiting a slow and sloppy death.
5. I will NOT be eaten, shot, strung up or sliced up by a bunch of cannibals because I was too stupid to see all the skulls, bones, and the fact the house is covered in plastic.
6. I will NOT be run over in the street because I was dumb enough to try to revive road kill (okay, that one came from 1,000 WTD in some Oregon scenario, just thought I'd throw that one in).
7. I will NOT be the pawn of someone's twisted game for any reason. Want me scared? Tough, not gonna happen. Want me to fight my way out of some puzzle before my head explodes? Sorry sicko, your time, money and effort just got wasted. Hope you can clean up all the brain matter out of your room...

I think the point is I'm not going down as some little whiny please-kill-them-now character we've gotten used to seeing in a lot of horror movies (both male and female). Nobody is going to want to watch me on the big screen or real life for that matter, because either the psycho trying to kill me is in for a major ass whupping or if it is a 'game' I'm just not playing. Life is pain bitch. Try being me for a week, then see why I'm not just some female victim to whimper in fear and die for you.