The Gravedancers (2006)
I guess since I got to see the most awesome horror movie in a looong while (The Cabin In The Woods), karma is conspiring against me because ever since every movie I've picked has been sheer, tortuous crap. Take this piece for instance. Please. Unrest In Peace? Really? Okay so now you know this is going to be a door-opening chair-moving 'What's that in the corner?' type of movie and you're set for the idiots to do their work, and hopefully hurry up and die so the movie will end. You know, watching endless bad movies kind of makes you bloodthirsty I guess but for good reason - they die, movie ends, you get relief. Simple. So was this movie, so I guess to make it stand out they had to muck it up a bit - you'll see what I mean.
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| He should've stuck with prisons... |
We start with an unknown woman having the crap beat out of her by something invisible, ending up with her hanging from a cord off her balcony. In her hand is a black envelope which she drops. Uh huh. We skip on over to a funeral - three buddies are saying goodbye to their friend who was killed in a car accident - wait, one skips that and just comes to the reception. Death and food, the perfect combination. Anywho, the three get to talking and the wife of one, Harris (Dominic Haakon Myrtvedt Purcell, or just Dominic Purcell if you prefer, an English born Australian best known for the series Prison Break) decides to just go home. But he and his two friends Kira and Sid decide to have a private, uh, celebration at the grave of their friend. A drinking celebration. A LOT of drinking. While they're busy getting drunk and being stupid one finds a black envelope on the gravestone (that was damn fast, I thought it took a couple of months to get those in place). He opens and reads it - a stupid poem about dancing, death, too bad so sad for dead people na na na na boo boo stick your head in doo doo (sorry Tosh). They take this stupid advice and each picks a grave and dances on it until they literally pass out.
Two weeks pass and we get the standard ghost stuff that they probably read out of a manual (Okay step one - creaks and bumps. Step two - doors open and close. Step three - no no you're not supposed to go full spectral yet we haven't moved any furniture, sheesh...) but as days go by things escalate - leading to the hospitalization of Kira who is covered in bite marks, bruises, and other nasties. She urges people not to touch her because 'he doesn't like that'. Oookay.... But since Sid and Harris are having problems of their own (Sid keeps seeing footprints of fire, Harris hears his wife's piano being played when no one's there) they meet at Sid's apartment and that's where we get the standard paranormal investigator crap, also probably read out of a manual (Okay step one - act aloof like you're much better than they are, step two - tell them it's probably nothing because nobody's ever gotten real proof on camera,, step three - start explaining the equipment like no one's ever seen or heard of this stuff before...). But our two snotty PI's get a little more interested when they hear of the gravedancing and the poem reading - why? Oh, just 'cause instead of a weird coincidence of haunting, the three idiots may have actually really pissed something off.
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| A smile makes all the difference... |
At the cemetery, the female half of the PI team notices they're in the section of 'undesirables', rapists, murderers, psychos, etc. Good going guys. Each finds the headstone they 'danced' in front of. Oh these guys are good. Harris' was a piano teacher having a fling with a married man until he dumped her - she axed him and his wife. Sid's was a kid who loved to set fires - eventually burning down his house and killing his family and himself. He's in this part of the cemetery because people believed he did it on purpose. But Kira really hit the jackpot - hers was a judge (His gravestone says 'Good Riddance' - I want mine to say that!) who was respected by the whole town - in fact after his death they were going to put up a memorial for him - until they found his journals, the torture devices and the bodies in his basement. So since these three idiots probably picked the worst three graves to dance on, they're going to be tortured for a month (gravedancing rules, don't ask) and then when the moon is full, they die. Unless the curse can be broken.
The brainiac PI's decide they know how - each of the three must dig up the body in the grave they danced on (Does anyone really know just how difficult that is? You do it with a backhoe, not a small shovel, especially if the graves are old...) and re-bury the bones, reciting scripture because.. ah hell I don't know. So they do but the spectres aren't going to let them off so easily - as they're trying to put all the bones in a burlap sack (yeah I can see how that would make them happier) Kira is attacked by the coffin (you heard me) and it closes her in and starts sinking in the ground. Sid's site bursts into flame and Harris is actually attacked by the woman's bones. If you've ever seen Prison Break you know how big this guy is. He's getting his butt kicked by bones? Sigh. So they manage to escape, re-bury the bones and boom, done. Movie over.
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| So THAT'S what the Cryptkeeper looks like naked... |
Oh you wish (and so did I). The attacks, instead of stopping, get incredibly fierce and all seek protection with the stupid PI's. The female half admits that she's pulled a boner - she wanted her 'proof' on camera and so kept the heads so the attacks would continue. Nice. First Kira is attacked and before they can stop it, her throat is slashed. They can't get her to the hospital because the fence which surrounds the property has moved up and enclosed the house (now that was a little different). She's dead. She's then 'possessed' by Harris' spectre (hey, use what you've got) who floats the body around and chases them around with an axe. Sid is trapped in a room and the little pyromaniac gleefully burns the room and him. So Harris and his wife are desperate to get the woman's skull (to hell with the other two I guess) into the ground and stop this mess. Oh, did I mention that when these spectres came back - old man, little boy and woman - they all looked just like the Cryptkeeper from Tales From The Crypt? Bulgy eyes, huge grin, whole bit - hilarious. The only good part of this sorry mess and they ripped it off.
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| My face? Oh, we're all from the same family... |
Pushing his wife out an upper window (ouch) he tries to get the woman's skull outside too but she's too strong and is kicking his butt. He runs downstairs with it, which by now is mostly on fire, and his wife, the only person with a bit of brains, crashes the PI's Humvee into the house and the body the spectre is using. That REALLY pisses it off. Now it is just a huge ugly head. Yeah, you heard me. They're being beaten by a HEAD. DUH. As the sun begins to rise a huge hand comes up and grabs Harris (What happened to the head?) and drags him under the ground. At the last possible moment, the male PI who had suffered burns grabs the skull and slam dunks it into a hole. We get a Poltergeist moment of spectral whooshing as everything, uh, blows up? Goes back? I don't know how this garbage works. Anywho, it goes away and they dig Harris out before he suffocates.
The last scene shows Harris and his wife walking through the cemetery after the funerals of his friends. As they leave, the groundskeeper carefully places a black envelope on one of the tombstones. Oooooh, scary. Not. Nor was it interesting, redeeming or original.
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