Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"  



Triangle (2009) UK

Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. Take 15 minutes worth of  movie and repeat it until you have approximately 90 minutes of movie. 

Irritated yet? Yeah, that's nothing compared to the grrrr you get when you try to watch this piece of garbage. Basically it goes like this:

A very distracted lady named Jess gets on board the Triangle for a day of fun sailing with friends and people she doesn't really know, six total. When asked where her son is and why she didn't bring him she says after a long pause 'He's at school'. It's Saturday. They shrug and take off. It's a beautiful day but in a heartbeat all wind stops. Then a freak storm shows up, and huge waves crash over the boat and turn it over. Five of the six make it to float on the hull. A huge cruise liner happens by and they manage to get on board. It's deserted but the distracted lady swears it's all very familiar but she doesn't know why. They wander a bit, then an assassin of some kind picks them off with a rifle one by one. The last living is our lady who fights the assailant off - before managing to push the assailant overboard he/she says (through a mask) 'You can't let them on board, you have to kill them to get home.'

A very distracted lady named Jess gets on board the sailing boat Triangle for a day of fun with friends and people she doesn't really know, six total. When asked where her son is and why she didn't bring him she says after a long pause 'He's at school'. It's Saturday. They shrug and take off... this time on the cruise ship it's obvious that the first Jess is still on board and now she knows what she has to do... finding a rifle, a pair of overalls and a mask she goes around shooting her friends... then sees off the side of the ship an overturned boat with five people yelling to be saved....

A very distracted lady named Jess gets on board the sailing boat Triangle for a day of fun with friends and people she doesn't really know, six total. When asked where her son is and why she didn't bring him she says after a long pause 'He's at school'. It's Saturday. They shrug and take off... this time on the cruise ship it's obvious that there are still TWO Jess's on board and she's got to kill them all....

If you're yawning big time about now, I can't blame you so here's the punchline. See, Jess isn't the nice lady you might have thought during the movie (except for the shooting all her friends part). She is the frustrated mother of an autistic son, who she's not wonderful to, in fact she yells, bullies and intimidates him. So on the final spin on this nausea cycle, we see the beginning... she's trying to get him ready for a nice sailing trip but he, not being able to help himself of course, is making messes and mistakes. She loses her temper and screams at him. The Jess from the last cycle kills the first Jess (please don't ask I have no freakin' idea) and throws her in a trunk. She then promises her son that she will be a good mommy and never yell again, things are going to be different... On her way to the marina she's distracted trying to reassure her son she's going to be a good mommy and they get into a nasty wreck. She's standing on the road, watching as bystanders and medical personnel are attempting to save the Jess lying on the road and the son, also lying motionless on the road. A guy says to her (don't ask I have no idea why he'd bother) that working on the kid won't do any good they can't save him. She then walks slowly to the marina. When asked where her son is and why she didn't bring him she says after a long pause 'He's at school'..... repeat ad nauseum until the credits run.

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