Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Movies That Rip Off Just About Everything


I Tre Volti Del Terrore 
(The Three Faces Of Terror) (2004) Italy

Again, when I state that this rips off everything, I mean that it is one of those anthology movies that rips off the premise of every horror anthology series since the 50's. This doesn't even have an original wraparound - in fact it's just about a total direct ripoff of Dr. Terror's House Of Horrors which also took place on a train (I have no idea why it talks about a house). This film is from Italy but except for a couple of scenes with really bad sound quality, it's obvious that they are speaking English. So you know how this goes without me even telling you, it's just the stories are different (not good, just different): For some reason, while the beginning credits roll, we get to watch some kid at a school desk drawing pictures with a line of marbles on the surface... 


Three strangers on a train are joined by a man who calls himself Professor Price (Wonder if that's a nod to Vincent Price?). He states he is a hypnotist who uses a golden orb in his 'experiments'. So of course each one of the strangers get a turn at looking at it - whoever holds it, it opens and something spins and we get each of their stories (unfortunately). Oh, and he'll be in all three of them somewhere:

1.L'anello Della Luna (The Ring Of The Moon): Marco is participating in his very first grave robbery with a friend. It is actually a crypt in a cliff of crypts, sort of a dead highrise project. They grab a bunch of stuff but a ring catches his eye (have no idea why it was ugly as hell) and he snatches it. The next morning he puts it on and can't get it off. The buyer of what they stole knows the ring is missing and wants it. The friend asks Marco if he has it - he lies. When the friend presses, his eyes glow (oooh, scary) and with a hatchet from nowhere he splits his friend's head in half - well it would have to be about a third 'cause the rest stayed on the neck. Gore and special effects level? A meh. As the moon gets full his wolfy personality is really coming out (bad morphing, halfway decent werewolf) and he attacks a woman in her car and we see someone with three darts... and the story ends. What?

2. Un Viso Perfetto (A Perfect Face): They also add Dr. Lift to this for no reason whatsoever since the doctor's name in this awful story is something else. Basically Barbara wants to look just like her movie star childhood friend so they both go to this clinic. The doc wants to take pictures of her friend and is gone a very long time. She looks around and we get a very lame funny - there's an obviously photoshopped picture of the doctor with Michael Jackson (Oh, a horror doc did all that to him, huh?). She's an idiot in every respect and looking around the place gets trapped in a room and faints (From an empty room? KILL HER NOW!). Later for some reason the door opens and she still wanders... she finds three frozen containers with people in them (but holes for their hands to hang out - what the ever loving hell?) She's still wandering... and her story ends. 

Okay, I see, this is copying the 'You'll find out the ending as soon as we bore the hell out of you with these lame stories - until then, SUFFER BITCHES!!!!' Oh, sorry about that. My tolerance level must be a little low today...

3. Il Guardiano Del Lago (The Guardian Of The Lake): Oh this story sucked so incredibly bad. Three friends trespass on a lake that is closed to any visitors. A mysterious guy shows up and tells them to leave. They agree but lie. One, Carlo, does leave, the other two decide to take advantage of being alone and since there's been no sex in this movie yet... but there's not going to be any now. Before they can really get going, the Kraken rises and... oh sorry, nope, a dumb ass low budget tentacle grabs the guy and girl. Carlo gets a phone call from the girl (one of those 'drop your phone on the ground and it dials somebody' stupid things) and hears her screams. He comes back for them but all he finds is the strange guy's boat. And there are caverns across the lake so he starts to row.... the end. Sigh.

So we're back in the train and the Professor looks like that cat that swallowed the canary. The three idiots think they just hallucinated - until he gives them the rest of their stories (sigh again):

1. Marco the werewolf is attacking a woman in her car - until the man who paid them to rob the crypt shows up with those three darts they showed and shoots the wolf with all three, killing him. He then takes off the ring, adding it to the many wolf rings he carries on a necklace... Marco shrivels up...

2. Barbara is getting just what she wanted - her friend has been peeled of all her skin (massive duh here) and the doctor is lowering her face onto Barbara's saying 'it's about to get much worse'... yeah, if this story  continues one second longer...

3. Carlo rows across the lake, finds the girl dead (her eyes move an awful lot behind her lids for a dead woman) and finds the Kraken - uh sorry, finds the freaking dinosaur that's the worst effect yet and manages to electrocute it (don't ask, it'll just make this longer) until the mysterious stranger turns off the juice. Carlo asks 'What was that?' The man, half his face also stupidly reptillian (sort of) says 'That's my brother' and stabs Carlo with a pipe...

FINALLY we're back to the train and the Professor has disappeared (he couldn't stand the movie one more second either). The three determine that they all had hallucinations - until their wounds appear on their bodies. And they don't remember where they were going (duh). They look out - there's light but nothing else, and nothing else and the camera keeps going back (not really, they just tried to make it look that way) and there's nothing, nothing, nothing, oh hey look - a marble! They're in a marble! On a kid's desk. Who's drawing pictures of everything from the movie. In outer space. Right above the earth. I shit you not. That is their brief and horrid attempt at originality but hey, at least this snorefest is blissfully over.