Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Even I Have My Limits

Movies That I Will Never See (Unless I'm Desperate)

With Amazon's free month of movies, although a lot are available on Netflix (which I like better - they stream better and have close captioning) they do have some Netflix doesn't carry - but that's not necessarily a good thing. I just did a short run through just some of the choices and <shudder> there's stuff I wouldn't watch even if I was strapped to a chair with my eyes 
pried open. Maybe. Who knows, I might get curious as to 'how bad could it be' and you might just find it here anyway. Funny, a lot of them are distributed by Lionsgate, a company Joss Whedon was thinking of when he wrote his love/hate letter of a movie The Cabin In The Woods. And guess who distributed HIS movie? You got it. So here's just a taste of some that are instant ewwww....

Student Bodies (1981): Student Bodies is about a serial killer who stalks female students while at the same time
watching them (kind of hard to stalk people you can't see). The killer calls himself 'The Breather', presumably because the killer is always breathing heavily. <Oh yes, I want to listen to that for 90 minutes>

The Descent Part 2 (2009): I actually finally watched The Descent although underground (or underwater) movies make me feel very claustrophobic, and it was pretty good - this apparently starts when the lone survivor of the original movie leaves the cave... <What, do we watch her go shopping, forget her friends, or be insanely stupid enough to go BACK in that cave?>

Human Centipede (2009): Do
 I really have to explain why?

Open House (2010): There are several films by this name but this one is about a divorcing couple selling their house and they hold an open house.... then find one prospective buyer never left... and we get tortured by this more than they do for 90 minutes.

Lost Tribe aka Primevil aka Primal (2010): Yet another bunch of young people stranded where there is no help, finding 
out there's nasties living on an island that picks them off one by one. This is an 'immediate' remake, as just the year before the same people released the same movie calling it The Forgotten Ones. Hey if even the filmmakers thinks it sucks...

Tale Of A Vampire (1992): Heard 'em all, don't need another one thank you but at least they don't sparkle.

Secuestrados aka Kidnapped (2011): There are several movies of this title, but this latest one is Spanish and is yet another home invasion movie where you get to squirm waiting for the 90 minutes of slow progression to end.

Scourge (2008): Another one of 
those faux creature features where there really isn't any creatures, just a 'scourge' that emerges from a cemetery and kills people. Since we know this already, why watch it?

Creature (1998): Again, several movies have this title - this made-for-TV movie is about an amphibious shark. I think that's enough.

Trucks (1997): Why they remade this Stephen King story for TV I have no idea. Maximum Overdrive was a cool movie, it came out in 1986 and nothing a TV movie could do
 would possibly improve on it. Duh.

Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows (2000): Do I even have to explain this one?

Finale (2009): Supposedly based on real events in the movie director's life. 'Nuff said.

Isolation (2005): This movie dooms itself by its own description - 'over a 35 hour period these people SLOWLY learn'... oh no you don't.

Boggy Creek (2010): You know the routine - kids go into mountains, no help anywhere, and something evil (probably cannibals or something) picks them off one by one. Duh.

Vampire Journals (1997): Again, heard 'em all, don't need another one thank you.

Troll 2 (1990): Actually this is in my 'maybe' pile - after all, it was awarded the 'best worst movie' and is supposed to be so bad it's hilarious so... prepare yourself.

Rubber (2010): Okay listen up because I'm telling the absolute truth here. This movie is about a TIRE that is able to kill people with psychic powers. For our hard of hearing viewers here is Garrett Morris from the Institute Of The Deaf. Mr. Morris? THIS MOVIE HAS A BAD ASS RADIAL THAT WILL BLOW YOUR HEAD UP WITH PSYCHIC POWERS. Thank you Mr. Morris, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW. Hmm, maybe this is worth a look after all...

The Reeds (2009): I've actually DVR'd this one several times but just couldn't get through it. Haunted grass? Really? Oh there's supposed to be something else evil out there in the boggy mess too but I could never get far enough to find out what.

Wrecked (2011): A whole movie of watching Adrian Brody trying to escape a crashed car. 'Nuff said.