The Cabin In The Woods (2012) I admit, seeing the trailers for this movie I thought oh great, five students go to a cabin, it's a reality show and we get suckered into another prime price ticket for the same old shit. My extreme apologies and serious submission of amends to the Whedonverse. How could I ever think Joss Whedon would "just" make some horror flick? And hot damn, thar be zombies here!
This movie, believe it or not, almost never made it to theaters. This movie was actually filmed and completed in 2009. So what was the hangup? Not Joss, his so-called financial backers. In November 2010, MGM filed for Chapter 11, but fortunately the film was still released as one of MGM's last pre-Spyglass films in development.
So it kind of squeaked by as the movie company went under. And while the creatures, sets and things were developed and built, some stuff was just 'too big' for anything they could build so they actually used the British Columbia Institute Of Technology's Aerospace building (which explains why parts of the film feel like you're at NASA).
Yes this was made in Canada, but we got to see it first - when Lionsgate got the distribution rights and it finally premiered in March. According to Joss, this movie is a 'love-hate' letter to the horror genre, and no one could have done it better. If you haven't seen this yet and want to, this review gives away quite a few spoilers, so just beware...
Five college kids go away for the weekend in a cabin in the woods. No, no, don't stop me, you HAVEN'T heard this one before - although it begins exactly as all horror movies do. You have your cute and sexually promiscuous couple, your stoner, your smart and socially backward girl and the extra guy they bring to hopefully hook up with the girl. They're going clear up in the mountains in an RV for this one - we even get the obligatory stop at the gas station that's so disgusting it probably hasn't had a customer in over a year - complete with backwoods redneck who instantly despises the 'city folk'. So far right on track. Until...
The scene changes to a huge corporation building - and I do mean huge. There are carts to get around in, not two or three, maybe 50, this place is like a mile long, wide and high. At least they make it seem that way. We follow two middle aged guys bitching about their lives in general as they take their places before a huge console. Now we get into the NASA type feel. These guys are orchestrating everything that happens to these five people - from putting stuff in the promiscuous woman's hair dye to 'dumb her down' a bit, to getting more chemicals in her boyfriend to make him the 'alpha male'. This is also where we find a slight boo-boo in the logic of the movie. The whole point is that the young people have to 'transgress' in order to suffer and die. They don't really explain what exactly they consider a transgression. Also, it is shown that EVERYTHING about these kids are on the screen - their vital signs, location, everything. Yet when Marty (the stoner) appears to have been killed, they assume he's dead - but since he wasn't, wouldn't they have noticed he still had a heartbeat on their monitors?
AND (sorry Joss) when the first one is killed, a prayer is offered by one of the engineers in charge of overseeing this 'sacrifice' to the dark Gods for 'the blessed peace of your eternal slumber'. If this is all to keep them asleep, who is he praying to? They're all asleep, who's gonna hear it? If someone is awake, why is he praying for them to keep sleeping. It kind of goes around in a circle there.
One more boo-boo I didn't catch but it's a continuity error. When the kids are swimming in the lake, Marty stays on the dock with a big towel around his neck. Watch the scene - the towel disappears then re-appears. I didn't see that, rats.
They are kind of tipping the scales, and even taking bets on certain outcomes from dozens who are watching this whole scene with interest. I mean they can see every pore on these kid's faces (if they had any), know exactly what they're going to do and how it's going to end. The betting is merely on the details of the why and the when. Now my brain is starting to work (it never does in these things so this is new) and I'm wondering what the hell and is this just another reality show? Well, yes and no. This IS reality, and no it is NOT a show.
Everything that happens, happens for real and is permanent. Which means these kids are going to die. How and when is up to them... and the boys in the control room are eager - see this is happening all over the world, and apparently the only Country kicking the US's butt in this, uh, scenario is Japan - who seems to always 'score' a perfect rate. Other countries have been failing and dropping out so these guys want a great, uh, outcome.
I'm going to have to see this again, maybe more than once because pausing it every few seconds to write down the basics interrupted the flow and the fun. Because in this movie you get horror, humor, sci fi, creature feature, human sacrifice and more all rolled into about an hour and a half - impossible to process even when you're taking names and keeping score.
So our doomed kids get to the cabin. They don't know it, but neither the cabin, the woods, hell the tunnel they came through, the AIR, the gas station - there is nothing natural about any of it. Over the entire area is an invisible honeycomb electrical grid to prevent any 'runners'. Once there, the technicians control the local environment and give them mood-altering drugs. The drugs gradually reduce the group's intelligence and awareness, and also increase their libido. The cellar door pops open and duh, they go in (can't fault them for that, they're all stoned by now). They see all kinds of items a lot of people find creepy - old dolls, pictures, a puzzle (nice nod to Hellraiser there), a conch (no, really) and other items. One girl finds an old journal.
Reading from the journal triggers the 'scenario' the kids have to suffer through - in this case a sadistic bunch of pain loving, backwoods inbred zombies. YES!!! One of the techs is bummed - if the conch had been blown, they could have had a merman (his personal fave) but zombies it is. And the first betting pool has been won.
What with the drugs, pheromones, and changing environment, the two promiscuous ones sneak out to the woods to have sex. About 70 middle age men watch with anticipation as the blonde slowly unbuttons her blouse - then all get pissed when she changes her mind. It's too dark. So one tech 'turns up the lights'. That's better - to the chorus of 'c'mon baby let's see some boobies' she finally takes off her shirt. But their love fest is interrupted when both are attacked by maggoty, wonderful zombies who brought their own tools - all to inflict pain (and death). First to go is the blonde - or rather her head. At her death, one tech pulls a lever which drips blood down onto a large carving and we get the idea that this is much larger than some old guys getting their jollies. They're getting input from 'upstairs' and 'downstairs' but we're not told what this means.
Believe it or not, it's the stoner who seems to have the most brains of the group. Apparently what he smokes makes him mostly immune (or just tolerant) of all the crap they've been giving them and he discovers a camera, concluding they're on some sort of reality show. He can't tell anyone, cause he's standing in front of a window and, duh, a zombie drags him out and away. And another lever is pulled.
The three remaining run for it in the RV. As they're driving away, the techs notice in a panic that the tunnel has not been caved in as scheduled. One makes a run for their department, and they've been trying but no luck. Just as the RV is almost to the end, the tech manages to connect the proper wires and the cave-in begins. They barely back the RV out in time. There's a small gorge and the 'alpha male' knows he can jump it in the motorcycle he brought. So he revs it up, makes a good run at it and.... hits the honeycomb grid on the other side, bouncing and getting electrocuted all the way down the gorge. Another lever.
Two to go. They decide to try to drive past the cabin but the girl, maybe with the drugs wearing off a bit, realizes that the stoner, who had been making statements that this was all a set up of some kind makes the connection that maybe there is no way out. The remaining guy assures her they'll make it - until an object is shoved clear through his throat by the zombie hiding in the back (gotta love zombies that don't smell) and the RV plunges into the lake. The girl almost drowns but manages weakly to get to the surface and onto a dock. Right now one of the 'new guys' is questioning why they have to be put through this - they say something about it being the requirements of the 'old ones' and things have to go just a certain way - with the girl, being a 'virgin' being tortured and killed last.
Sure enough, on the dock is another zombie who begins strangling her, beating her, throwing her around... the employees, certain they were a success, have a party with drinking and music by REO Speedwagon (I said they were middle aged after all)... until the 'red phone' rings.
That's the 'upstairs' and they're pissed. See, someone didn't die. Who? The techs, back to business look at the screen in time to see the stoner, bloody but alive, rescue the girl from the zombie. Damn. Now they've got to pull out all the stops to make sure these two die and in the right order.
Meanwhile the stoner tells the girl he had stumbled upon a control box and was able to access an underground elevator. They take the elevator down to the lower levels of the facility, passing a variety of imprisoned monsters, werewolves, ghosts, slimy things - they realize they all are related to objects that were in the cellar. Sure enough, they were set up - no matter what they touched, they were gonna get killed. The two manage to escape the elevator (we get a really cool scene of literally hundreds of glass boxes stacked indefinitely full of every creepy crawly imaginable) and get to a control room. It conveniently has a 'purge' button (Why exactly? What possible reason would they ever want to release all the slimy stuff?). Here is some truly wonderful creature feature work that deserves more than one look as monsters of all shapes, sizes and cultures swarm onto the army trying to capture the two and blood flows heavily - as well as some really good gore.
Escaping they discover a temple with large stone tablets, Now we meet the Director from 'upstairs' (nice cameo by Sigourney Weaver) who explains that they have to die in order to appease the 'old ones' or else they will rise and destroy the earth. So, every year five dumb kids gotta die. Well, at least four - the 'virgin' can live or die as long as she suffers. Duh. That's why every other country has been trying to repeat these scenarios - but everybody (even Japan) has been failing. So they gotta die or the world ends. The girl, who has the gun, points it at the stoner. He is resigned and not particularly surprised. He sees a werewolf behind her and says nothing and it attacks. She drops the gun, he grabs it and shoots the werewolf. He then struggles with the Director for the gun and just as she's about to shoot him, here comes our last little zombie who puts an axe in her head. He dumps both of them down where the 'old ones' sleep. So, die and save the world, or live a couple more minutes and the world is toast? Bleeding, horrified and past all sense of giving a damn, they decide if man has stooped so low as to do this kind of atrocity all over the world, maybe they all deserve to die.
They hold each other as the 'old ones' wake and the last we see is the cabin and a huge hand thrust up from the ground, obliterating it and slamming down on the earth.
This was truly excellent. Thank you so much Joss Whedon. This was so entertaining and different it almost (almost) makes up for all the stinkers I've had to put up with since I started this blog. I will never doubt you again, sir.
No comments:
Post a Comment