Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "In Heaven's Name Who Paid For This Crap?"



Demonic Toys (1992) Straight To DVD

I changed the title a little because yeah, there are horrible movies out there, I've seen plenty, but what I 
want to know is - who's got the deep pockets to finance this garbage and how do I get in contact with them 'cause I've got lots of film ideas they could pay for - and guaranteed they'd be a ton better than this incredibly lame, badly acted waste of 86 minutes. And if they're not going to bother to release it to theaters anyway, who's gonna get hurt? Oh, unless somebody else streams their movies at home and runs across it... hey, it's their life, if they wanna waste it too....

Where is that girl with my sweat bottle?
It's set up in a clumsy gotta-get-this-in-a-hurry manner of two cops who are lovers waiting during a sting operation. Of course, since this is the perfect time, Judith (Tracy Scoggins my nominee for worst actress ever) tells Matt (don't worry about his name) she's pregnant. And here comes their target. Since they're as good cops as they are subtle, it goes wrong immediately and Matt is killed (told ya). One criminal is wounded, the other runs with him into the Toyland Warehouse. Get it yet? Huh? Huh? Don't worry, this is so obvious it practically kicks you in the.. uh in a very sensitive place to get its point across.

Why can't my boy demon dress this nice?
We get supplemental characters - a security guard named Charneski and a tough fast food delivery boy Mark. They're hanging around talking about - absolutely nothing but the funny part (you have to really look for funny here 'cause there's nothing) is that the guard is watching Puppet Master. Now if you want to see a GOOD movie about nasty toys, that's the movie to watch. Not nice to rub in our faces that we're stuck watching this one when we could be watching something a hell of a lot better.

I think this was the first Ronald McDonald figure...
Anywho, all are in this warehouse full of dumb toys. Oh and a demon. A demon in the form of a child (sometimes). The paper thin premise is there's a demon who wants to be a real boy (an evil Pinocchio if you will) and he's been waiting for his chance - with Judith's baby. How did he know she was going to be there that night just as she was pregnant? Hey, does your life have logic to it? It does? Well then that's why you're not making any money living it, are you? So our demon, labeled simply 'the kid' (Daniel Cerny who, although his voice is dubbed is still the best actor in the whole damn movie) is animating toys to kill those inside because with each death he gets stronger. Uh huh. If you hate clowns or dolls or bears or anything else that looks menacing, don't worry about this movie. They're all so cartoonish there's nothing scary about any of 'em. And it gets really ridiculous (NOW it gets ridiculous?) when the 280+ pound guard is killed, a 10 ounce baby doll drags him around the warehouse. Riiiiight.

This scene is classic... oops, sorry, it's Puppet Master.
But back to our well-acted role of boy demon - see Judith (the best this actress can do is sweat and I'll bet someone had to do that for her too - she's just awful) kept having this dream about just this boy and another boy always 'fighting' by playing cards - oooh, scary. And now this boy wants HER boy to grow up in - he's been waiting for her for 66 years. Do we get the anvil-over-the-head point now? It's so stupid you begin to think the animated toys are kind of clever. Oh and the grease jockey Mark who seems to keep surviving along with Judith. You know he's going to make it 'cause he's 'street smart' right? Those kind always seem to last until the end anyway...

Tough = Live     Fat = Die
One other very small funny - the boy demon keeps telling Judith he's going to 'do the nasty' with her so he can be born. Okay I have a twisted sense of humor, but they must have made that boy repeat 'do the nasty' about a dozen times. All right, down to the punch line - just as she's about to be, uh, 'done', a fair haired small wooden soldier toy releases her bonds and becomes a boy the same size as our demon. They then do - you know what, I don't have the foggiest what they were trying to do - mostly just grunt at each other. Of course the fair haired one wins. He is Judith's unborn child. He obviously knew his mother was too damn stupid to save him so he had to become a toy just to save his own bacon. And our movie is done.

By the way, if you haven't seen Puppet Master, get it - it is a really good 'evil toy' movie - not like this crap.