Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Ow My Mother Lovin' Freakin' Eyes

Undead (2003) Australia

Have 
I mentioned how much I dislike films from other countries? Not because I'm prejudiced, mostly it's because they seem to fear different things than we do, things that we definitely find NOT scary. However, in this case, this Aussie piece of crap outdoes itself in that it takes the zombie movie, tries to make it original, and actually ends up with one of the worst films of this century. And they've got it from A - Z (aliens to zombies). No lie with this one folks, if it stunk any worse a cadaver dog would be sniffing around it. And the fact they call it a comedy/horror film just adds insult to injury.



Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned zombie fish...
Be very, very glad you don't live in Australia (unless you already do in which case, sorry about that), and especially in the small town of Berkeley in New South Wales (if it's the town they're actually using). See, for some reason, meteorites start falling all over the place on the town, blowing through people (not bad special effects actually) and wherever or whoever they fall upon, they create zombies. Boom. Just like that. A girl Rene had been trying to leave town after losing the family farm but the zombies get in the way. She and a group of other randoms find their way to who's described as a 'gun nut' who actually owns Marion's World Of Weapons. I think calling him a 'nut' is their way of discriminating against those who use weapons. After all, it's his cache of goodies that's going to save their bacon. Marion himself is also considered strange because he claims he was once abducted by aliens after being attacked by zombie fish (okay that is not funny or even good writing, it's just sad).

The miraculous 'no kick at all' triple shotgun...
Marion does have his share of goodies. He's also a bloody Rambo, as he does flips, pulls guns out of seeming thin air (He did it once when wearing only a hat and boots - one asked 'where did those guns come from?' I was hoping like hell it was from his boots...). Unless the script called for it, they were also the magic never-run-out-of-bullets kind too. But the crowning achievement (and an impossibility, at least in execution, making it might be possible) was his triple 12 gauge shotguns - fastened together and all three shoot at the same time. Uh, have you ever shot a 12 gauge? They have a hell of a kick. Three strung together firing at once? That should knock you on your butt... this one doesn't even have the kick of a BB gun...

Dammit I'm on the track team...
But I'm digressing from the sheer stupidity and 'what the hell were they thinking' writing of the film, the massively bad sound dubbing, and let's not even get into the plot... oh wait, I'm supposed to. See, they're shooting zombies to bits left and right. At one point Rene has a pole onto which a rotary saw blade gets stuck. This miracle blade (need to get a few of these) cut people's heads off and split them down the middle without effort (bet they're great at cutting tomatoes too) - the point being this is so far from being funny or legitimate it's painful - and it's about to get worse. Oh, and it takes them half of the movie to 'discover' that only by shooting the zombies in the head will they stay down. Well, Australia is waaay down there, maybe the news on zombie killing hadn't quite reached them yet. What about the aliens you say? Oh, you're going to regret that.

Kill us quick please, this movie really sucks...
See, after the asteroids are done falling, strange storm clouds center over the town and it begins to rain. Acid rain. Unless you use up precious water to get it off you, you're gonna lose skin. And it gives them all a cough. This cough, and prolonged exposure to the rain also makes zombies. Yippy skippy. Now for the best part - the aliens. They show up, figures in full robes with only glows for faces. They hold out their hand and - I can only describe it as spooge - forms on their hands, which they proceed to throw in people's faces. How special. Oh, and light beams are appearing in the sky - collecting animals, bugs and people to ???

Would you put your clothes on?
So our duh group thinks they have zombies, aliens, spooge and abduction to deal with. Oh no, that wasn't good enough. A wall, a freaking studded with sharp points wall, is now surrounding the entire town - the height of which can't even be seen.The aliens have them trapped. Or do they?


DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT cut the zombies heads off...
This is their version of the story twist. The 'spooge' the aliens have been throwing into faces is actually a 'cure' from the rain and from being zombies. In other words, the only people that died are the ones they shot (reminds me of an episode of South Park). If they hadn't killed them, the aliens would have 'spooged' them and they would have been fine. And all those light beams? They're holding the people, animals, insects, etc. above the rain so they won't be affected anymore. Once the rain stops and the clouds go away, they are carefully let back down to earth and the wall disassembles itself and goes up back to wherever the hell these aliens were supposed to come from. So now all is well, right?

Look at me ma, I'm gonna kill the world!
They decided that wasn't enough of a twist so they added another one: A member of the duh group knows how to fly small aircraft and has one ready to go. Coughing from all the 'rain' he was exposed to, he manages to fly over the damn wall and crash land (he parachuted) on the other side. Yup, that's right - he goes zombie and without the aliens, the plague starts spreading and this time quickly goes across the continent. Well, as long as it stopped there....


I'm only wearing this 'cause I'm embarrassed to be here...
The movie ends (thankfully) with Rene at the farm she lost (hers again now) where the survivors are staying. The final shot is of the farm with a fenced-in area nearby, containing the zombified residents of Berkeley. Rene stands guard with the miracle no-kick shotgun and a gas mask, waiting for the return of the aliens. Yeah right, they're probably looking down thinking 'make your own damn spooge you idiots, we already tried'. And I wouldn't blame them a bit.