Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Brainless With A Splash Of Dumb


Return To Horror High (1987)

I just love it when an actor appears in a film for about three minutes but later becomes famous, so he gets top billing when the movie is shown. This one you'll notice that a very young George Clooney (when he had that nice curly hair) is top billed. Three minutes is a generous guess of how much screen time he had in this brainless but harmless turkey of a movie.

A group of officers are at Crippen High School, which in 1982 was the scene of a horrific series of murders in which the killer was never caught. They are looking around at a massive amount of bodies. Apparently, a movie crew that had attempted to recreate the incident had something go horribly wrong and now the police are trying to figure out what happened. They're having a tough time too because one, they're movie-stupid, and two, there are so many body parts they're having trouble matching what limb goes with which body. The second in command, Officer Tyler (Marsha Marsha Marsha! Maureen McCormick) spends the movie stuffing her face with food in the face of bloody carnage, unaffected in the least.

It seems that Cosmic Pictures was attempting to recreate the scene, directed by Harry Sleerik (a very misplaced Alex Rocco) and the filming is doomed from the start. They have one young police officer who had been a student at the high school to kind of give technical advice but he quickly becomes part of the 'cast' when the one that was supposed to play the officer (Our brief view of George Clooney) has gotten a part in another movie and bails - they think, he's actually the first murder victim. Soon after they start, people begin to disappear. The young cop and the leading lady are left to try to solve the mystery before everybody dies.

This is your typical turn-your-brain-off-and-just-watch type of movie. There is no real plot, no reason, no rhyme, just your typical slash 'em up one by one type of film. It is sort of 'narrated' by the only survivor of the movie company, screenwriter Arthur, who somehow (and how would he know) takes them step by step through what happened. Nobody was happy with the film anyway, it was low budget, people kept disappearing, making more work for those who were left, and it's just a massive bunch of duh. 

Finally after the screenwriter finishes and the police wrap things up and leave (They leave before it's cleaned up? Whatever man.), all of the 'bodies' on the grass get up, dust themselves off, and congratulate each other on having an unique way of ending their film. The only bit of originality and kind of funny. I said kind of. Other than the brief performances of George and Maureen there's really nothing about this movie to remember or enjoy.