Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

La Monja aka The Nun (2005) Spain

Wow, do different cultures torture themselves with some weird psychological crap. Now I know 
Spain is 94% Roman Catholic (according to Google) so I guess a scary, dead, demon looking nun is something worth making a movie for, right? Right? And the catch line 'Not All Water Is Holy' is creepy right? Right?

Sigh. I tried to be objective about this one but it's your typical revenge movie which they tried to twist at the end but it just doesn't work. The basic story is this: Girls from all different countries are being sent to this Spanish Catholic boarding school to, umm, I don't know - keep their parents from having to deal with them? Wanting them to become better women? 
Why the hell does anyone send off a kid far away and not see them except for a couple of days or weeks a year? Anyway, this group of girls has to deal with a nasty, over-the-top psycho nun who terrorizes them daily (Isn't that their job?). One day the nun discovers one of the girls in the bathroom with a pregnancy test. Seems one of those priests got kind of lonely. The nun tries to attempt to perform some kind of weird do-it-yourself abortion and as the girl screams the other girls rush in to get the nun off her. The nun hits her head on the bathtub and dies under the water. BUT NO! She's still alive! So all the girls push her back down until she's dead for real. And dump her in a pond, but its water has been blessed as Holy Water so it's all right. Sigh. But then that 'holy water' is drained...

Soak for 20 years and you'll look like hell too...
Skip ahead - all the girls are grown and in their respective countries. An American girl, Eve, comes home just in time to witness her mother being murdered by a figure in a nun outfit (duh). The police of course don't believe her, as there is no evidence or witnesses (she doesn't count I guess). So she decides to go to the boarding school in Spain to find 'answers' as all the women she asks that she can contact die immediately after or before she can see them. A friend of hers was going to Spain anyway with her American boyfriend and so invites her along. The one grown woman still living in Spain dies just before (say it with me) Eve has a chance to talk to her. And it's all the same special effects (which isn't special) - water that drips up (wow, backward sequences, always a thrill) and a nun with a demon face who kills these girls in the same way their sainted namesakes died. Huh? Sigh, never mind, let's just get through this. The only good line in the movie? The American boyfriend remarks 'You mean this is all I Know What You Did Twenty Years Ago crap?' - that's it, sorry.

I have the personality of cardboard...
After interminable sequences of her doing research, confessing that she has been 'remembering' things from when she was little (hint, hint) and a list of characters that die being around her, we finally come to the cross - umm I mean the crux of the story. See, a demon nun is NOT killing these girls. When Eve was little, she discovered what her mother and the other girls had done and her personality split and... oh jeez, this is even painful just to type. I mean how did she kill the first woman (not shown) clear the hell in London when she lives in New York? How would she know the holy water had been drained? How how how how.....

Isn't this Lindsey Lohan from Machete?
Anywho, a seminary student (who dies anyway) tells her that since dust returns to dust, if the nun is caught completely under water she's flesh and can be killed? WHAAAAT? He must have been flunking out of his classes. But before he dies he tells the boyfriend about Eve 'remembering' stuff and what he's figured out. By this time, a room in the boarding school has been completely flooded so Eve can confront and 'kill' the dead nun. Ooookay. See, because of Eve becoming 'split' she IS the nun. Okay, I'm not even going to try to rationalize that one - the end product being that Eve shoots the dead nun even deader with a spear gun - yet when her best friend goes to help her it is Eve with this honking long spear through her body. And how the hell does that work? The spear gun was way too long to even try to shoot yourself with.... you know what? Just be thankful you're not in a Spanish boarding school and this horrible movie is over.