Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Cries In The Night aka Funeral Home (1980) Canada

By now you probably realize that any 'horror' movie produced before the nineties is probably going to be long, boring, wastes of film and this, unfortunately, is not any different. Take your basic scary, or so-called scary movie like, oh, say Psycho WHICH THIS MOVIE COPIES PRETTY OUTRAGEOUSLY, but I guess Canada felt they had to keep in the game so they came up with this....

Basically Heather is sent to her grandmother's house, which used to be a funeral home and is now a bed and breakfast, to help her for the summer. But guests start to disappear, and every time Heather asks her grandmother where they went and what happened to her grandfather, she gets odd answers. The guests just 'leave' but she doesn't ever see them go, and alternately her grandfather 'died', 'disappeared into thin air', or was just 'gone'. So Heather gets worried, thinking there's something wrong because in the cellar, which has a padlock on it, she keeps hearing voices as if two people are arguing with each other. Do we get the idea now?

Sigh. It goes on and on and on with nothing happening. Heather is scared by a black cat (Oh come on!) and basically also by everything else.... nobody takes her seriously, it turns out her grandfather wasn't a very nice guy (big surprise) and her grandmother is a very judgmental woman and won't have people in her house that are not of good moral character.

Do we really, REALLY have to go through this because we know what's happening and how this is going to end. Heather goes to the cellar that she was told 50 times to stay out of and discovers GASP that her grandmother is a real nutter and had spent time in a mental institution. When she came back home, her husband had taken up with another woman, so she killed both of them, 'pickled' (their words) her husband and propped him in the cellar. The only scene we're missing is the shower 'REE REE REE' scene - oh wait, they sort of had that when a half-wit in the cellar gets stabbed through a plastic curtain with an embalming needle. That's the same isn't it? No? Well then this movie really REALLY sucked, didn't it? I mean they had to explain the plot AS THE CREDITS ROLL... wow. And even though they tried to make this like it took place in America, they forgot about the Canadian flag very prominent in front of a public building. YAWN.