Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Lazy Saturday With My Favorite Fuzzy Cuddle Boy



Nightmare Man (2006)

Yes I just couldn't face the computer today so I took my blind, sick puddy Max and cuddled up in bed, trying to clean things off my DVR (gotta get ready for that The Walking Dead premiere Sun. night you know) and so with my sick but sweet little man asleep on my throat (he likes to get as close as possible) I went through the list deleting, starting then deleting, you know... you set up a movie that you think oh, maybe interesting and it turns out you've already seen it or it's total garbage. And some of these movies I've saved several times, 'cause I forget which ones really sucked or turned out to be... meh. I mean the kind of garbage you can't even review. Sort of like this movie.

I'm not nuts, I have a pill addiction...
We start with a couple we instantly hate. The man is obviously selfish and self-centered, the woman has her bitch meter set on 'maximum overdrive' and she wants a baby. Oh that will be one messed up kid. But the guy is, uh, having problems. So Ellen (wife) orders a fertility mask from Africa so something will happen. Hopefully. When she gets it though it frightens her because it is so ugly and she figures that they sent the wrong one. Bill (the husband) rolls his eyes and wonders how much money she wasted this time.

Later she's showering and the lights go out. She has a hissy fit and while looking in the attic for her husband (don't ask, just let me get through this) she believes she is 'attacked' and raped by a monster with horns, fangs, basically the look of the mask she ordered in the mail.

Since she has constant dreams about this incident, her husband thinks she's nuts and the doctors want her institutionalized. She's content with that and the medicine they give her Zyprexa (I looked this up, yup, real drug for schizophrenia and bipolar conditions but one pill a day only and she's popping them like Pez.) because that 'keeps the demon inside'. On the way to the hospital the car runs out of gas. Bill goes to a gas station leaving Ellen in the car. Sure enough, the 'nightmare man' attacks her and when the car no longer is safe she if forced to run through the woods with this thing catching her, releasing her, catching her... we get the distinct idea that she could be dead in two seconds but this thing is playing with her... and what 'demon' or 'nightmare man' needs a knife? I had this one figured out since the plot is older than Methuselah.

She comes upon a house in the woods with four just as irritating young people inside. She tries to convince them someone's after her but they see no one and figure she's nuts, especially when she freaks after finding she's lost her pills since... blah blah blah...

They figure something is very wrong pretty quickly. Our first idiot is conveniently in front of a tree, and as he sees a crossbow aimed at him, very nicely opens his mouth reaaaal wide so the arrow will fit through it, his head and the tree. Very little gore. Now the other three are getting their weapons out and Ellen, maxed out on hysteria and bitchiness gets knocked out by the remaining guy and tied to the couch.


Right people in the wrong movie...
The blonde idiot gets it next - a knife in the mouth shoved clear through... this guy had some kind of oral fixation I guess. The remaining guy goes gonzo macho 'cause that was his fiancee' so he stands at the open door and we get our only very lame funny as he says 'I'm going to kill him if it's the last thing...' THUD THUD THUD - three arrows sink into his chest in quick order and down he goes. Hey, I said it was lame. So we have one girl named Mia, Ellen and the nightmare man.... now earlier they had called Bill (which should have told Ellen something since he claimed his phone didn't work where they were) and he was coming to get her. Uh huh. He drives up and the monster jumps into the back seat, taking off his mask....

Our almost-older-than-the-earth-itself plot was the husband wanted the wife's money and wants her out of the picture so he's been driving her crazy with this masked figure and when they 'ran out of gas' at just the right spot, the guy in the mask was supposed to chase her into the forest and kill her. He screwed up. He doesn't care though - 'One body, five bodies, who cares?'. Bill says he's only paying for one. Wow, didn't see that one coming (heavy sarcasm). I swear even my cat groaned at this point. If he could see he probably would have walked right out of the room by now.


How every guy thinks we girls
are going to look like in the ZA...
Okay, the guy has got to kill Ellen and the last survivor. Not as easy as he thinks - Ellen already was a little tougher than he anticipated, and the remaining girl is no slouch - she can give as good as she gets. While she and the killer fight, Ellen is screaming that because of the lack of medication 'it is coming' and she can't stop it. They ignore her and finally the killer gets the upper hand, ready to shoot the last girl....

A growling voice stops them cold. Ellen is now floating in the living room, the 'nightmare man' now out and ready to play. It kills the so-called demon killer and the woman runs out of the house. Ellen/nightmare man now confronts her husband, telling him that she knew all along about all of his affairs, how we was spending her money, how he wanted her gone. She kills him. We then get a bit of a protracted sequence of her chasing the last girl, Mia, through the forest. I was yawning big time and stopped taking notes 'cause, jeez unless you've never seen a movie before you know how this ends.

Sure enough, the mask that caused all the trouble ends up in Mia's hands and she manages to pierce Ellen's eyes with them. She then smushes her head with a rock (the gore in this movie ranges from meh to barely passable). And, with wide eyes, sees a light leaving Ellen just to, uh, inhabit her. By now police, who had been called long ago are there trying to figure this out (just not very hard) and they find Mia who tells them ad nauseum that the evil is now in her..... and the movie ends.

Now the wiki version of this movie continues on with her being institutionalized and the doctors decide in their infinite wisdom to stop the medication they have her on (The only thing keeping the demon in, remember?). This was either an alternate version or the one I saw was just chopped but I didn't miss anything.

<Rubs hands together> Okay I might be MIA for a bit to get my TWD on.... oh and speaking of MIA, there's a certain someone that a lot of people are concerned about and you know who you are young man so if you are anywhere on the planet, let us know okay? We are horribly worried and just want a 'hey'...