Zombi 4 aka Panico aka Panic (1982) Spanish/Italian
Sometimes I have to remind myself the purpose of this blog - to find the awful, the silly, the just plain ludicrous and of course make fun of ever minute of it. Sometimes I forget that and wonder if I'm being punished with finding all these bad movies but no, it's just my job. A job I chose to do so no whining big girl, just do your silly movies...
I tried to find at least one halfway decent in the Amazon pile before my free subscription expires (I love Amazon, can't say enough good things about them - but their movie streaming service needs a lot of work) but despite my best efforts, I got this. It could have been worse - much, much worse! I found one called Blood which apparently was about this girl they somehow engineered so her blood is like a narcotic which means she makes an inexhaustible supply but since nothing happens, they decided they needed dialogue. And as their music played at top volume, so did their dialogue which went something like this (PG rated): 1: Turn the (bleep) music the (bleep) down now! 2: You (bleep) turn the (bleep) music the (bleep) yourself! 1: I'll be (bleep) if I (bleep)... and so on. Oh the music? 'Get the (bleep) out of my way or I'll (bleep) you' repeated ad naseum. And five minutes was oh so much more ad naseum than anyone could stand. So I got this one.
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| No this is NOT a toupee' - why do you keep asking? |
For whatever reason, this is set in England but everyone is talking in Italian, which is horribly dubbed over. It's like watching a Godzilla movie. Our basic premise for this nail-biting horror show? Rats. Again with the (bleep) rats! This time they're experimenting on them to make (say it with me... say it!) a virus that cannot be cured (Geez, wonder what they need that for?). And it gets out. Or at least gets to one Professor. I was very disappointed his fellow professor's name was Jane, Maryanne would have been funnier. Hey, this is so lame, I took whatever chuckles I could get. For instance, the police officer in charge of 'investigating' the 'incident' at the Chemi-Cal company (Wow, what imagination!) was named Captain Kirk. That got me a couple of times. Every time they found a body (always hanging upside down from... nothing) 'he's dead Jim' went through my head. Hey I had to find some way to pass the time until this stinker was over.
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| Me Jane... JANE!!! Don't you speak English... uh sorry. |
My favorite line? Captain Kirk was interrogating the one of the scientists at the Chemi-Cal company and when they were finished turned to his fellow police officer saying 'He was a dreadful actor, wasn't he?' Pffffffftttt.... okay that was pretty freaking funny. Even funnier? Reading the Spanish version of the synopsis of this movie which, word for word was: An English laboratory currently uses a deadly virus created during World War II. During a test, a scientist is contaminated by the virus, which transforms it into a monstrous, with customs and habits anthropophagic bloody. To prevent the spread devastate humanity, take matters into their armed forces.
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| With a wick I could light up a city block. |
Wahahahahaaaaaa.... that's better than the whole movie itself! Okay, they didn't give a 'date' of the movie happening but yes, they were making a deadly virus and one professor got it, turned into what looked like a bunch of melted candlewax that they smeared all over this guy's face and just mushed it around and said 'There! Now add the fake blood...' 'Oh yeah, there's some leftover hands from the first three Zombi movies, just grab a pair and shove them on him... and make sure he breathes real heavy like he's got asthma through the whole thing... don't need a silent mutant now, do we?'
So this non-rat looking rat mutant goes around killing people and drinking their blood. Why? Don't ask, it wasn't covered in the script. The English military, in all their wisdom, decided on 'Plan Q' which sounded like 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' 'cause it was just that stupid (but used in more than a few films so...) - basically they're going to cut the town off and blow it to kingdom come (or use some sort of nerve gas, wasn't paying enough attention at this point) but the end result would be 'the death of a thousand to save millions'. Yeah, thanks guys.
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| Yeah we know stupid, we just watched the movie - DUH! |
Needless to say Professor Maryanne... I mean Jane finds a last minute cure for this non-curable virus and it is put in some sort of fire extinguisher which Captain Kirk sprays the non-rat looking rat and kills it... it bubbles down to... well, bubbles. They tell the military and hooray! The day is saved and the movie is over! That's something we can all celebrate.
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