I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Ghost Game (2004)

There are films that you KNOW are going to be stupid. The title is stupid, the premise is stupid, and you have absolutely no faith at all that there will be any kind of plot or good storylines or acting. Yup, this is a prime example. I KNEW I was going to hate it, I KNEW it would blow chunks but hey, that's what I do. This pile takes the required college students, puts them in a cabin in the woods and kills them off one by one. Where have I heard that synopsis before? Oh yeah, in EVERY SINGLE FREAKING HORROR FILM ABOUT KIDS WHO GO TO CABINS. You'd think they'd keep those young idiots out of there. Nope. Plus they call this a comedy-horror movie. If anybody laughed one time during this movie it's only because somebody sitting beside him/her told them a joke - there's absolutely nothing amusing here.

I could only hope to be this 'hideous'...

We first have a scene of three 'witches' (it's hard to take witches seriously who wear cheerleading skirts and a ton of Revlon makeup) who gather to this 'sacred' place in order, supposedly, to increase their powers. One, a blonde had quit but was too scared of this coven of three (uh duh guys, you're short about ten bitches - err I mean witches, sorry) and now is trying to redeem herself. She shouldn't have bothered. She's the subject of a human sacrifice, and we get the idea that none of the three actually make it out of there alive. But like I said, hey - bitches in cheerleading skirts are not high on my 'want them to live' list.

Then we skip ahead 30 years. Why? Why not? I'll make this brief because you can pretty much write this one yourself, I know I had my review done before the movie was half over. We have seven people total, three couples and an extra named 'Cousin Ted' whose apparent function was to spout nonsense and the occasional 'by George I think he's got it' knowledge because, after all, he is a brain. Sort of, I mean he DID agree to come with these idiots. This cabin, just to mix things up a little, is on an island in the middle of a river, and is only accessible by canoe. Phones? Bitch, please - you know that despite there being 95% cellular coverage in the US, there's not gonna be any there. Anywho, they're drunk and bored and want to play a game and pick one from the cabin. It's a metal box (left by the witches of course) and as they open it, there's a paper which says in large letters 'DON'T PLAY THIS GAME'. Which, of course, makes it a moral imperative that they play right away. There's not really any playing per se since there's only some sort of coded map that supposedly is to complete a ritual but no one in the group has the foggiest idea (except our Cousin Ted - sort of) what the hell it's for. Now the wiki says this is when the three witch 'ghosts' are released. Actually they call them three 'hideous' ghosts. FUNNY! I guess being beautiful, wearing cheerleader outfits and having more makeup than a department store didn't help their looks any. Of course, none of them looked like they had access to a comb.

YES! Time to collect my check and go home.

So they die. One chokes. One drowns. One is stabbed by ???.So far it's all the guys so we have three bitches - sorry, college girls and Cousin Ted. They run around the island gathering the things he claims he figures they need to 'stop' whatever's going on. But they keep dying. Good! Finally there's one girl and Cousin Ted. Now they need a sacrifice and Ted, not wanting to die, keeps stabbing the girl but the knife doesn't penetrate. They need VIRGIN blood. Poor Cousin Ted. Bye Cousin Ted. Thinking things are finally over, the last girl celebrates at the grave of some other witch (Yes, this small island had its own cemetery of course, don't they all?), one of the 'ghosts' appears and says nope, you all die and stabs her. The end. Thank goodness.

Where does he get the titles?

The end shows the owner of the cabin cleaning out the bodies and picking up the pieces of the witch game wondering why the kids keep insisting on playing it since they always die. But he doesn't care much - more money in his pocket (and more graves I guess). He immediately rents the cabin out to the next suckers and we see the young people's vehicles with FOR SALE signs on them, joining other vehicles he has collected from other stupid college kids. Keep going guy please, there's a lot of very stupid college kids that are only wasting their parent's money - they need to die. And this horrible horror movie is over.