Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, February 14, 2013


Chop (2011)

Have you ever had someone mad at you or even hate you and you don't have the slightest idea why? Usually I know why someone doesn't like me. I'm a bit of a nitpicker, and on Facebook I've lost more than a few people 'cause I can't stand rumors, false statements or scams - and other people seem to love 'em. I usually just hit them with the appropriate Snopes link and man do they get pissed! I even had one person thank me (in total sarcasm) because I had the 'time' to do the research and she just didn't so she hit 'share' because it was faster. Um, what? 

In other words, she was telling me my time was worthless and so was I and she was just too busy and too important to take five seconds (that's not an exaggeration either) to check with Snopes or any of the other scam and rumor busting websites. But I've also had people 'dump' me on Facebook and not had the foggiest idea why. I remember in high school, my best friend just, out of the blue, one day decided not to talk to me or acknowledge my existence. To this day I have no idea what the hell I did.

What does this have to do with Chop? It's the extreme example of what might happen if you piss the wrong person off - even if you have no idea what the hell you did.

Lance (Will Keenan) is not a good man, even though it seems he has a great life. One day while driving, his car breaks down. Thankfully, a man in a pickup soon drives by and gives him a ride home. On the way, while Lance is bitterly complaining about his brother ripping him off by selling him a lemon of a car, the man asks him if he remembers who he is. Lance has no idea. This enrages the guy who now asks Lance if he had a choice, who would die - his brother or his wife. 

After being threatened, Lance chooses his brother. The man takes him to his brother who is bound and gagged and hands him an axe. Under threat of death himself, Lance sinks the axe into his brother's head. Lance is then told his car was fine, his brother hadn't ripped him off, the stranger had cut his gas line. The man again asks him if he remembers him. Lance, scared as hell and totally confused has to say no. The man is again enraged and shows Lance pictures - apparently his wife and his brother had been going at it behind his back.

However the man says he'll spare him only if he does one thing: He must treat his wife with the love and kindness he'd show if he didn't know of her cheating. The man tells him he will be watching and listening to everything he does. Three weeks pass - Lance, despite what he knows is doing his best not to just strangle his wife and get it over with. Finally she unknowingly causes him to break and he yells at her. Instantly he gets a phone call - sure enough the man heard him. 

Before he knows it the man is there and shoots Lance's wife. Lance wakes from being drugged - his wife's body is gone and so is his left index finger. By now two police officers are staking out his house, his brother's body has been found because he broke the 'deal' and they suspect him and now his wife is missing. But Lance being arrested would foil the mysterious man's plans and so they end up dead as well. Lance wakes up from being drugged (this happens a lot) and is now bound to a table in the mysterious man's garage. He now has no fingers, just thumbs (A bit of clumsy effects here - his fingers are clearly visible underneath the bandages.).

The man explains he knew everything because he had replaced Lance's glass eye (yeah yeah I know) with one he bought on eBay for $89.99 which came complete with camera and microphone. He asks if Lance remembers him yet. Lance, in desperation, thinks back to the time when, needing drug money badly (told you he wasn't a good man) he ran over a drug dealer to steal his money. Figuring this man must be him, he apologizes profusely which makes the man that much more furious - he's not the drug dealer. But since Lance gave him the dealer's name, he calls him up and makes him a deal - the drug dealer is allowed to cut Lance's leg off for $1500. However the dealer (who lost his leg because of Lance) and his companion are such freaks that the 'normal' psycho tells them no deal and kills them instead. But to be fair, he cuts Lance's leg off himself.

Lance, in his stupor and getting smaller by the minute decides that it must be about the man's dead daughter who he thinks was a prostitute he regularly 'visited' who on one occasion he underpaid and when she complained he accidentally broke her neck, killing her. No I am not making this up. No one should have. The man is again outraged - he was talking about his young daughter who died of cancer. But, contacting the female lover of the prostitute, he invites her over for her 'pound of flesh' which is probably heavier than that since it will be Lance's other leg. She arrives and goes at it with gusto - the gore gets thick here because she's not interested in a clean cut and mangles it pretty good before if finally comes off.

But Lance, dumbass to the very end still cannot remember the stranger to save his life - literally. The stranger, realizing that he is not going to receive the justice he was willing to go to such extreme lengths to get, resigns himself to that fact. He brings out a syringe full of a deadly concoction he bought on the internet (I have GOT to find out where this dude does his shopping.) and injects Lance with it, telling him he has one minute to live. He then sits in a chair facing him and blows his own brains out. As he does, his car keys fall out of his pocket. As Lance dies, he's looking at the keys...

Lance was in a hurry and not caring to look where he was going. The stranger was walking down the sidewalk, keys out as he prepared to get into his truck. Lance bumps into him, knocking his keys to the ground. Lance then calls him a nasty name and walks off. That's it. Period. And our tale is over.

And since I've already pissed so many off lately: 
  • There are NO spiders under toilet seats 
  • No 11 year old shot two armed intruders 
  • No sick baby or child ANYWHERE will EVER get one cent from Facebook or anyone else for sharing their picture (in fact they say most of them have been dead for years) 
  • People like Bill Cosby and Morgan Freeman do NOT have speeches worth repeating a million times over (they're not dead either) 
  • No store on Earth is giving away free gift cards 
  • You can NOT change your Facebook color (unless you use the safe program called Social Fixer that you can get from the Google store) 
  • There are NO PROGRAMS AVAILABLE ON FACEBOOK that will allow you to see who viewed your profile 
  • And my favorite, not because it's clever but because it is so old it PREDATES THE EXISTENCE OF FACEBOOK, the infamous Budweiser Frog screensaver virus hoax (we're talking a rumor that began in 1997 y'all)
Wake up and smell the idiots children - just because something appears in print does not make it true.

And if you knock somebody's keys out of their hands, for crying out loud be a nice little mensch and pick 'em up...