Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU





Shrooms (2007) Ireland

I've always said to parents that you might as well save your money and let your kids get the jobs America needs anyway (there are far too little blue collar workers anymore) 'cause college just gets kids killed. At least in the movies they do. And  in this one... I mean seriously, would you want to shell out thousands for a college education for your young one if you realize that your hard work means that THEY CAN FLY CLEAR THE HELL TO IRELAND JUST TO DO MUSHROOMS?

There is one smart girl (there's always one) who's mainly going because she's sweet on that particular Irish dude that's invited them all to fly 4,200 miles (or more) just to do drugs with him. How special. The particular mushroom that apparently is the rage (for idiots) in Ireland is called forpsilocybin mushrooms, also known as shrooms or magic mushrooms. In the right dosage (which nobody is going to use, I mean c'mon) they can act like an anti-depressant. A feel-good munchie. However, you've got to be careful (if you're stupid in the first place to eat these suckers) because a look-alike with a slight difference is called a deathcap mushroom. At least in the movie it is.

In real life, a deathcap mushroom looks more like an edible mushroom called a caesar or straw mushroom. But oh well, no matter 'cause this movie makes about as much sense as Yellowbrickroad and incredibly is even more stupid. Why? Because dear children, these exact same type of mushrooms GROW RIGHT HERE IN THE BLOODY STATES. Now don't you feel great about spending all that money on your child's education?

I mean even if you set aside the fact that these idiots go clear to another country just to do this, their stupidity just grows from there, like that's even possible. The 'smart girl' (she said with sarcasm) runs into a deathcap and eats it. Why? To get the movie going stupid. She has a seizure but seems to recover. That night while the group of idiots are around the fire, their upcoming drug trip simmering in a tea on the fire, the Ireland idiot decides to tell them a gruesome story. Oh that's a smart thing to do with people about to be on a wacked out drug trip. It has serial killers, supernatural crap and other stuff - the typical boring as hell never happened stuff. But they all take it seriously and become scared.

And from here the movie gets worse. How could it get worse? Oh my children, never underestimate the power of a bad movie maker. From here we get a one-by-one kids getting killed scenario (for which I'm always glad 'cause each kid killed means we're closer to the end) with the 'smart girl' somehow always getting away. They throw in a couple of 'squeal like a pig' type characters so you think that they probably are doing the killings (if you're stupid and I know you're not) but...

Somehow somebody missed these idiots and sent out a helicopter to find them - of course only finding the 'smart girl' alive. Why do I keep putting that like I'm being sarcastic? She IS the one who ate the deathcap - on purpose if you ask me. An ambulance gives her that magic blanket (you know, the main medicine of ambulances) and says she's going to be all right. We then get the entire movie again (fortunately in very short flashbacks) that shows that SHE is the killer. She smiles, and next we see her pressed against the ambulance windows with bloody hands and fortunately our trip is now over.

I think we have plenty of drugs in the United States that we don't need to go clear across the world (okay just a long way away) to get wasted, okay? Oh, and you don't have to make a movie about it either. Drugs are bad, m'kay?