Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

GORY BORE-Y





Fright Flick (2011)

Wow, what a pile of nothing spread out to a whopping 113 minutes of low budget boredom. This was supposed to be kind of a nudge, nudge, wink, wink at the Hollywood horror film industry, but all this little indie film that cost a whopping $100,000 managed to do was tell me (and I already knew) that most low budget slasher films are incredibly dumb and boring. Oh but it tries to draw you in from the start - well at least the male population (and some of the female): We get an opening scene of a very badly bleached blonde enjoying her shower waaay too much. 

All I could think of was holy hell, what kind of doctor would stuff that much foreign material in anyone's chest, and where did she buy her makeup - she got through the whole shower without so much as a smudge to any of her volumes of eye shadow. But alas, although her showboats got a thorough bouncing up and down as well as back and forth (they needed help, when they're that fake they don't move much on their own) she gets killed after those huge hush puppies couldn't be jiggled one second longer.

So the basics is they've done this terrible horror movie, the script stolen by the maker from another employee who's seething but can do nothing. Now they want to do a sequel - but the bouncy-bouncy girl got killed. Oh no! All that silicone will take hundreds of years to disintegrate in the ground!

Fast forward two years and the low budget film crew has rented rooms in a motel for the sequel. They try integrating sub plots like two employees who have written their own (stupid I'm sure) script they want to make themselves and of course everybody pretty much would stab everyone else in the back for a cup of coffee.

We're supposed to be in on the joke that this is purposely bad to show you how bad Hollywood horror films are. Can't we have one where the joke is that they try really REALLY hard to make a good horror film when bad stuff starts to happen? I mean you have the regular slash and die scenes. Oh except for one, I thought was a little original. The girl is sitting on the bed when suddenly blood comes pouring out of her mouth (because as you know in horror films, no matter what kind of injury you get that kills you or not, you ALWAYS bleed from the mouth) and she falls over dead to the floor after which you see a machete sticking out of the top of the bed. That's right, she was STABBED IN THE BUTT and died. 

Sorry but bad horror flicks are a reality and do we really need a movie to tell us that? Give us a whodunit that you know whodunit even if you've never seen a horror movie in your life? And come on, 113 minutes to mop this mess up? Sorry, I just wasn't laughing and the gore was passable in places, plain dumb in others.