Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

MOVIES WITH THAT EXTRA SUCKINESS






Recycled Parts (2007)

If you want to watch a movie about stupid teenagers who deserve to get killed be dismembered one by one by a mad doctor with nefarious intentions, watch Autopsy (2008) with Robert Patrick. It's retarded too, but at least it's a lot more well made than this piece of garbage. This movie, basically with the same premise, has horrible photography, soundtrack, acting, special effects - in fact there is absolutely nothing that redeems this film. Remember when I said some movies you can sum up just watching with one eye while doing something else like your taxes? I could have constructed a ship in a bottle and still had this movie down pat within the first half hour.

Five teenagers in their late 20's that you want dead quickly are lost somewhere in L.A. and the driver, not paying attention to the road hits a pregnant woman. A doctor appears out of nowhere to help even though there is no hospital or doctor's office in sight. They go into a warehouse instead. The woman is past help the doctor claims, so he's gonna deliver the baby to save it. Without taking the woman's pants off. Cute. An episode of I think it was The X Files goofed on that same point and got a lot of grief for it - this is just another example of how bad this movie is. 

Oh, and the movie starts by showing a woman on a slab, ready for the doctor I guess... now here's a tip boys and girls. You want to be naked in a movie? Then a few simple rules should apply. Now I know there's a movie grade of beauty that's not attainable by us plain folk, but hey, if you think you're hot enough to do it, at least ask the film makers to airbrush certain, umm, imperfections if you're going to have a close-up. Like hide the boob job scars. And the myriads of stretch marks (apparently this woman wasn't always movie-skinny). And the wrinkles. Just the little things.

But this movie is so horrible that we soon forget that and just concentrate on getting to see these obnoxious idiots get slaughtered. Now Autopsy was about a mad doctor cutting up people to try to keep his wife alive. This doctor is simply cutting up people to sell the organs and anything else he can pawn off. He is assisted by a moron he calls Einstein - in a black and white flashback from 1977 we see that Einstein is actually his father - after seeing his pregnant mother die he is enraged at his father and bashes his head in - just enough to reduce him to a drooling sidekick.

So one by one these obnoxious brats are chopped up but the smart girl (there's always one) gets away with the baby of the dead pregnant woman. And we're treated to a fast forward of ten months later but is there really any doubt as to what happens? By now with all these 'surprise' endings we're shocked if they DON'T happen - sure enough she goes to the doctor to get the scar she received removed and the doctor is... well if you don't know, you haven't been paying attention to my blog. Just know this: you don't have to watch this and they never should have made the stupid thing in the first place.