Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

BORE THE HELL OUT OF ME PLEASE!!!





House Of Whipcord aka Stag Model Slaughter aka The Photographer's Models (1974) UK

Exploitation movies are sometimes also cult movies. But sometimes they're just plain boring. I don't know what it is about Britain that thinks they can make a sexploitation movie when they're so bloody stiff that the sight of a woman's bare body garners an 'X' according to their film standards. And not through the whole film either. We're talking roughly three or four times. That's not what I was looking for of course, I wanted to see what a 'house of whipcord' was. Apparently it was the sadistic grown-up version of Annie (without the singing thank goodness). You've got women being held against their will by an institution not recognized by the government but privately run by a couple of nut jobs who think that they are the morality police. That's about it.

What's a whipcord? It's a braided cord. That's it. Which means in this case a noose. See if the girls are naughty (say stealing a piece of bread) once they go into solitary confinement. Twice gets you flogged. Three times and you're out - out to hang. Death for bread? Yup. This is not your 'women go wild in prison' type of movie - I saw maybe a total of six or seven women (hard to tell they all looked the same) in the place and no, there were no shower scenes, good 'buddies' or other things in sexploitation movies.

The story, slim and stupid as it was is that as I said a couple decides that Britain is severely lacking in morals and so they mete out their own justice. They send their son out, whose eyebrows looked like they were groomed even more than that ridiculous hair and his cheekbones sculpted out of rock which I suppose is Britain's version of handsome. He snags girls of loose morals and brings them back to be - well none are reformed, I guess they pretty much all end up dead for one reason or another. 

A French girl of 19 (If she was in reality less than 30 I'd eat English food for a week.) is a model (nude of course) and so he woos her and since she's known him for at least an hour she accepts his invitation to go away for the weekend and meet his mother. Ooh, naughty. Of course mother's 'house' is this huge institution of boredom.

She escapes after seeing the atrocities (yawn) and gets picked up by a truck driver but since she does nothing but babble he takes her where she'll be cared for - right back to the institution. Nice. And copying the rarity of movies that spend over half the movie with the protagonist just to have them die, she gets hung. Oops. Bye bye Frenchie.

But through the sequence of coincidence plus a need to finish this story off, the truck driver tells the nearest town what happened, the 'friend' of the the girl who waited over a week until she started looking for her (thanks friend) goes to see the place and gets imprisoned herself, after seeing her friend swinging from the whipcord (feet only, no effects special or otherwise in this stinker). 

Her boyfriend, again through incredible coincidence finds out about it just in time and brings cops to the place. The woman in charge (her husband had become feeble and blind so she just took over) went nuts, somehow stabs her son to death (Somehow?) and in her brief fit of conscience she hangs herself. Game over and thank goodness so is this 102 minute piece of trash.