Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

RIPPING OFF FAIRY TALES IS NAUGHTY





Bread Crumbs (2011)

When a movie has a catch phrase which is totally contradictory (Some Fairy Tales Are Real - umm, no, or they wouldn't be Fairy Tales). Hollywood, which most have agreed is totally bankrupt when it comes to original ideas, has of late been doing several things to fill in the gap of good, original scripts. They either remake a movie that either shouldn't have been made the first time or is a classic that is so good a remake should be prosecuted, or they rip off or just rape an often told tale. This is one of the latter - sort of. Because the story they're ripping off gets so far off the mark that it isn't even recognizable.

For one thing, there are no bread crumbs. What I mean is that you hear the title and instantly think of Hansel and Gretel, right? Naturally. Two little kids lost in the forest, almost eaten by a witch. So is that what this movie is about? Not even close. Not even remotely close.

A movie crew is using a cabin in the woods (sigh) to make an adult film. Don't slobber too much, you're not going to get that kind of movie. The basic story is this is a first film for a young buck who's so nervous he can't even remember his lines (He plays a pizza guy - isn't that the ultimate porn cliche'?). 

We also have the worn out old hag (sorry, she's probably younger than me, just well-worn) who's doing her last movie. And we have the young prima donna star who's the center of attention (Where did they find these people? She's halfway decent looking but never should be allowed to be naked in public). Of course the first thing they find out is they have no cell service. Natch.

They see two 'children'. Now these children are NOT children. The boy is in his 20's easy and the younger sister is probably pushing 20. The girl has a doll. Oooh, scary. They talk about a house of candy and how they are bad... and then run off. 


Tell you what let's just cut to the chase, this really isn't worth the time. People die off one by one, when they are 'caught' by these super strong and a lot smarter than the adults kids, they stuff peppermint candies in their mouths (don't ask I have no idea) before they die until only the worn out old hag is left. 

She thought the girl was the victim of her brother, the twist is it was the other way around. Wow, that's clever. She runs to the only other person in the forest but when she finds him she inexplicably turns around and goes back to the forest. To the children. Who, I presume kill her but we're spared any more, the movie's over and it's a worthless 86 minutes.