Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

IF THIS IS REAL I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN THIS WORLD




Alice In Murderland aka 
The Alice in Wonderland Murders (2010)

Ah jeez, not another 'based on actual events' movie. How did I manage that? This was picked purely because of the title - which is not that clever but turns out to be the most clever part about it. Oh, my freaking head. Yes this was supposed to be a low budget horror film but usually they at least try for crying out loud. This had so many errors, cheap sets (even though it takes place in a loft apartment the huge echo showed how fake it was), times where you can clearly see the film crew and equipment (in one scene you see them clearly at the top of the screen and that's not the only time), lack of continuity... I could go on and on with the horrible things but this will be short because this movie does not deserve a close look. I can't believe this actually has a cult following. Who would want to? Film students who now know what exactly NOT to do?


The backstory of a young mother wanting to rent a loft apartment for her new family is a duh and the fact she gets knifed in the basement by a hooded figure came as a surprise - not. Fast forward 20 years and Alice Lewis (Come on people, show a little more creative juice than this please!) is about to turn 21 so her sorority sisters want to throw her a party - in the same loft her mother was killed in. Okay what the hell is wrong with these people? I couldn't even write a review in advance - this was so asinine any prediction of how it was going to turn out was useless because there was no rhyme or reason (small joke) to anything here.

This movie is supposed to be about a party. There is no party. That's a classic setting for a horrible movie right there and unfortunately this is far from the first I've seen. The girls do dress as Alice In Wonderland characters - sort of. But this party has no decorations, no boys, no food, no drink, no music and because of an asinine rule they make up (apparently because there is cell service in this area), no cell phones.


Thankfully the killer starts picking the girls off right away. The big surprise and twist (which surprises no one watching this garbage) is that it's one of the girls who is killing everyone - she being the daughter of the woman who killed Alice's mother - the owner of the loft. And now that Alice has killed her, SHE is now insane and laughs like Pee Wee Herman in the end. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH...



Sorry about that, my brain quit on me and my hubby had to give me a slap on the back of the head to reboot it. Anyway, there are horrid attempts at special effects, like the girl whose ass is glued to a toilet seat and loses skin and blood (although you never see her bleed or show any pain) AND then puts on one of the dead girl's panties (EWWWWWWW!) and the guy who sneaked in and out just to have his stomach slashed so we can get the obligatory intestines falling out scene - which they screwed up 'cause in one frame he's holding on to them, the next they drop to the ground, the next he's holding on to them again. Yikes. There is nothing remotely redeemable about this movie but according to Facebook fans of the page (yes, they have one) it's great because it's not. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH...