Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, February 25, 2013

CONGRATULATIONS UK, YOU'VE JOINED THE RANKS OF THE STUPID






Hollow (2012) UK

Let's see... The Blair Witch Project came out in 1999. The first Paranormal Activity movie came out in 2007. And it's only now (at least that I've found) that the UK has discovered the cheap, nauseating way of telling a 'horror' story. Actually this was released in 2011 in the UK, we're just now having the privilege of viewing this abomination. We have a 'found footage' type situation with lots of swinging camera shots, dark everything, a non-plot and BAM, the UK is now just as stupid as Americans.

I think the first
one was more creative...
They certainly got their elements together - first we have a police report about the four bodies they've found (I like it when I know they're going to die), then reference to the camera they've found so we can see the video: We've got four people we don't care about, they're in a place with no cell phone coverage, they hear a spooky story and then we've got the running shots, the screaming at each other, getting picked off one by one, and the 'shock' ending that surprises no one. Very good guys, you've got the formula down.

The four young people consist of a newly engaged couple and two who don't know each other spending a weekend at the bride-to-be's grandfather's cottage (must be nice to have all these extra houses to go to). On the way they pass this tree, ONE TREE, but it is a huge sucker, in the middle of an empty field. Supposedly this tree causes young couples to commit suicide. Uh huh. Sorry guys, my review was written the moment you said that and I was absolutely right. And what the hell - it's supposed to be summer but there isn't leaf one on this sucker. Or the surrounding trees. Maybe this film scared 'em off. Pffft.

Near this spooky tree is an old monastery which is supposed to be haunted by some spirit who helps convince these couples to hang themselves. Uh huh. Religious buildings, old or new, tend to do that. As the movie progresses, slowly, we find that the extra guy had been infatuated with the bride-to-be for years and it's alluded to that he's a bit unstable. The extra woman is a slut. 

The bride-to-be is the smart one (there's always one) and that's not by much. At her grandfather's place we learn he died just recently but nobody has cleaned out his effects. He was a vicar so there's religious stuff everywhere. They find that he kept track of the young people who killed themselves plus centuries old books on the tree - the same tree.

The four people turn out to be as nasty as they are unlikable. The unstable guy goes nuts, the girl shows she's REALLY a slut, and the two engaged ones are no longer. The unstable one disappears and they constantly hear screams and cannot find him anywhere. It's thought he jumped off a cliff into the sea but they're not sure. The remaining three try to get out of there but it's not going to happen. 

In typical duh horror style each gets out of the car into the dark and immediately get 'taken' by whatever or whoever the hell is making this movie much longer than it has to be. Finally the 'smart' one gets out and bam... we get sweet relief knowing the movie is about over. First we get final camera shots of the ex-fiancee guy hanging from the tree next to the slut. The 'smart girl is on a different branch, facing the unstable one who is still convulsing as he drops the camera to the ground. Or does he? Point being, this non-horror piece of 'found' garbage is now over.

Why was this called Hollow you ask? Well, I could say that was the state of everybody's heads that acted (poorly) in this movie, but it's simply because that nasty ole' tree was completely hollow. That's it. Sorry.