Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


The Absent (2011)

Some movies you can watch with one eye while you're doing something else, like your taxes, and still have a horror movie worksheet (patent pending) written out during the first 15 minutes of the movie. They're just. That. Stupid. This was a prime example - all it took was Netflix's synopsis to introduce the movie to know the what, why and how stupid this was going to be. When a movie is about twins, you know exactly how it's going to go down depending on the movie genre. If it's a chick flick, one twin steals the other's identity (and probably lover too), if it's a thriller, one twin frames another unless the detective on the case is smart enough to figure it out, if it's science fiction one is a clone, and if it's horror, one doesn't exist. 

Do you know how many horror movies has one twin that doesn't exist? There was only ONE good one I can think of and it's pretty old. If you get a chance to see The Other (1972) then you'll see REAL horror with twins. It's set in the year 1935 and the only movie that Chris and Martin Udvarnoky appear in and they are terrific. The director never lets you see both in the same frame which adds to the fun. There's also a small role by a young John Ritter, and of course the beautiful Diana Muldaur (who has done a ton of wonderful stuff including playing the blind Dr. Mulhall in the original Star Trek and later Dr. Pulaski in Star Trek: The Next Generation).

But I digress. On purpose. One tries hard to get away from this film because geez, did the makers of this film really think we would be sooo stupid we couldn't figure this out from the beginning? The story (and don't listen to other summaries, I doubt they even watched the movie 'cause they all get it wrong):

Vincent and Oscar are twins. Their father and step-mother (oh brother) are broke and Oscar, suspicious because of several close calls starts rooting through their stuff and finds a life insurance policy - only on him. Do we get the rest of the movie now? If you don't, you flunk bad horror movie plots 101 'cause this is near the top of the duh list. He decides at 10 years old to beat them to the punch so to speak and kills them. He gets 25 to life as a juvenile (yeah right). 

Conveniently, 25 years later Vincent gets a new job as a high school teacher. Wow, they sure know how to do those background checks, don't they? Vincent isn't a great role model either as almost right away he starts an affair with a student. While ban... um, while wooing her at his cabin, a fire breaks out, Oscar shows up and knocks Vincent out, kills the girl and stuffs her under the floor. A cop happening by rushes in and saves Vincent. When he asks if anyone else is inside Vincent says nope. Nice guy.

And unfortunately it drags on this way for 80 minutes. Kids die, people die and it's all because Oscar is now out of jail and protecting his brother (that is the premise but it is never shown or spoken of). Do we know why yet? Do we care? Like I said you want real creepy twins watch The Other because you already know how this movie ends and why and hey, at least you didn't have to watch it.