Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, February 18, 2013

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU




The Demon Within
aka The Sculptress (2000)

This is a cautionary tale: If you are French and want to study art in San Francisco, don't come crying to me when you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Seriously. And Jeff Fahey what the hell? You're seriously trying my willingness to watch a movie because of who's in it. Am I being really really silly chiding a man for starring in a 13 year old movie? Yes. Yes I am.

For those not familiar with Mr. Fahey, I first noticed those incredible baby blue eyes of his when he played the greasy (but gorgeous thank you very much) Deputy Tyree in the star-studded Western-when-Westerns-weren't-cool Silverado, a movie that also boasted the likes of Danny Glover, Jeff Goldblum, Kevin Costner, and Linda Hunt, just to name a few. It was one of my faves in 1985 and probably the only Western I'd seen on purpose in my whole life.

So I'm a Fahey fan - it was a trio in the 80's and 90's - him, Rutger Hauer and Clayton Rohner. So sue me. Everything they were in, I absorbed. Now I see them and think shit, what happened? Then I look in a mirror and think oh yeah, it's been almost thirty years and hey, they all still look pretty damn good. Better than me, that's for sure. Scruffy and all. Can you tell I really don't want to get into this movie? If they've gotta name it twice just to get people to see it, it's a pretty good indication it's going to suck. If it has mostly people you've never heard of, suck suck suck suck suck.


So Sarah is in an art class in San Francisco but she has a real problem (besides being from France and able to afford an apartment as well as enrolled in a prestigious art school with no discernible income). One, she apparently has a psychopath living next to her. Two, the devil wants her. More specifically he wants the psycho to have a baby with her and boom, demon child. But small problem (pun intended). The psycho, Matthew (Jeff Fahey looking like he's either totally drunk or stoned through the whole movie - sorry Jeff) is an <takes deep breath> ex-Catholic priest who is also impotent and thus incapable of having sex with all the little boys - oops, sorry, wrong sin - girls he pursues so he kills them. Whew. 

So according to movie rules, Satan has to do the dirty deed himself. Well, not himself, he has to use an incubus. And if she's a virgin <laughs into sleeve> the woman becomes a succubus (oh really - must be rules just for this movie) and will have a demon child.


So Matthew kills, Sarah sculpts the victims while in a fugue state and the teacher meddles where he ought not. Sounds about right. Since Sarah is a Catholic, of course she turns to - well first she turns to a medium, tarot cards and books about meditation and her teacher. THEN she turns to the church. Meanwhile Matthew, who hadn't been aware of Sarah before is getting massively irritated by her constant chiseling (she's chiseling clay with a bang bang sound like it's marble or something - DUH) then discovers she's his 'type' and installs a peeper's camera so he can - well, he can't do anything, can he?

So Sarah has an ultimate choice - die or become possessed. At least according to one of the millions of dependable mediums practicing out there <laughs into sleeve again>. Matthew decides to pursue her and chases her down to the bay. Um, I've been to San Francisco and I know where the art institute is (although they show a different building so maybe...) and folks, it is miles from the Golden Gate Bridge. But <shrugs> that is where they are and that is where he manages to dump her into the water - but not before she stares up at - something that has a gargoyle on it (one of the things she sculpted while in a trance). 

Um, I'm sorry but I was all over there and nothing like that was anywhere NEAR it unless my mind is seriously lacking (which cannot be ruled out). She stares, Matthew attacks, glub glub.

Sarah's apartment is now empty so time has passed. Matthew is still scheming and screaming at himself as he wants and can't have more women. Then he keeps hearing the sound of a chisel. Through the hole in the wall he sees nothing. But he keeps hearing it (a chisel is pretty loud against clay you know) and he can't resist - he climbs through the window. Nothing. Until he turns around and sees her. 

Sarah is standing there naked (demurely so, apparently Succubi have modesty) looking like a statue herself. Until her glowing eyes open and he screams like a little girl. Our final scene is Sarah speaking to someone from her apartment in France where she apparently has found fame. And a sperm donor. Sarah is very pregnant and we know what that means, right? Right? WAKE UP!!!