Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, February 14, 2013


Evil Ed (1997) Sweden

Being in the mood for some lighter horror I tried a couple of movies labeled comedy/horror thinking I'd actually get that - a big DUH goes to me for trusting a movie synopsis. While Chop had some, um, interesting aspects, this was just one big thud of 93 minutes waiting for the punchline to the joke. It was supposed to be full of side-splitting humor. Maybe to the Swedes. This was their first splatter film. I think it's probably their last - at least the market isn't saturated that I've seen...

The really sad part is that they honestly thought they were paying homage to American horror films (Evil Dead, Evil Ed - get it?) and even had their Swedish actors dubbed into English badly on purpose to make it funnier. Nope. And the fact that the credits running at the start are slicker and better done than the movie itself was just sad.

The story is the pretty basic. At the beginning we see some schmuck, bald and with some awful skin condition (and no pants) going nuts cutting up film and laughing like a hyena. The boss yells for him to come out and when he doesn't has the door cut open (bad acting doesn't even begin to describe his performance). There are posters of real movies on the wall - I point that out because it's the only time you're going to get a glimpse of a real movie - this is more like somebody's failing drama project.

They break the door down and the wild man puts a grenade in his mouth, blowing himself into a bloody mess AFTER which he's fired. Now we see a mild mannered bored looking Ed editing some black and white yawn fest. He is approached by his supervisor who tells him they are sending him to a different department to edit a series of slasher movies titled Loose Limbs (apparently like some franchises they plan on making them indefinitely). The producer tells Ed the sex and nudity has to go, but keep the violence and gore. This was supposed to be making fun of the Swedish censors but unless you know that... well, even if you DID know that this still wouldn't be funny.

The movies are apparently about a mad doctor who likes to chop things up (hmm, sounds familiar) and are supposed to be the most splatter filled series ever. Ed, a meek man is shocked by what he sees and ends up editing more than just the nudity - he wants the ick out too. This angers the producer who tells him to do them over again. By now Ed is starting to hallucinate - seeing violent images, a badly made rubber monster in his refrigerator... but if I had to review movies that bad I'd start going mad too... uh, wait...

Anyway he eventually loses what little marbles he had and in his mind he is now the fiendish doctor of the movies. This transformation (which really wasn't) seems to make him almost superhuman, as he's shot, hit, you name it yet he keeps on ticking. He kills his boss and several other employees, wounding one and spreading the blood and guts without seeming to feel pain.

He continues his carnage until his wife, visiting his workplace to find out why he hasn't come home, sees he's a total psycho and finds a gun lost by another character now beheaded (heads roll several times in this one) and shoots her husband. Still alive (He'd already been shot in the face and arm so what's a chest wound or two?) he's rushed to the hospital fighting like a champ until they sedate him.

Conveniently, after they patch him up he starts hallucinating again and goes on another rampage and my interest really kind of... died. The rest of the film is basically a chase scene between him and law enforcement and a couple of ancillary characters, all wounding him repeatedly as they run through this hospital. It was actually a relief when they finally killed him (the wounded employee uses a shotgun which is finally effective after half of Ed's head is blown off and the employee, for some reason, cocks the shotgun yet again AFTER Ed is dead) and this sad clunker of a movie was over.