Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, February 23, 2013


Scar 3D (2007)

This movie has several things to make it distinctive. No it's not a good plot or effects. Despite the main character played by Angela Bettis (the new Carrie) and an OMG appearance by Christopher Titus (my favorite stand-up comedian of all time), it is the first US produced 3D full length feature film to be completed in HD 3D and the first-ever 3D Video on demand film released for 3D televisions. I know, I know - I almost wet myself too. Okay that's totally sarcastic - for one, who can afford 3D TV's? Who wants one? Oh goody, my show's on - get me my bad glasses would you honey? Oh, and don't forget the aspirin...

That being said (and I'm really sorry Christopher) this movie really sucked. It was so incredibly contrived and obvious that once again I took my horror movie worksheet (patent pending) and was able to pretty much lay out the movie within the first ten minutes. I only had to change a couple of things because this movie made no sense and I do.

Once upon a time there was a nasty serial killer named Bishop who was also the town's mortician so he had privy to all kinds of nasty instruments of torture. He loved to take two at a time, and play a game - he would torture one then the other to see who would crack first and beg him to kill the other so they could go free. Of course no one went free (DUH) 'cause he would have been caught, right? Joan and her best friend are the latest two but somehow Joan escapes and leaves town but the nightmares never stop...

Years later she's grown and comes back to town (NO DON'T COME BACK!!!) to go to her niece's graduation. Her brother (Christopher Titus) is a cop who is raising the girl by himself since his wife died. Before graduation can happen though, kids start disappearing and showing up with the same kind of torture marks Bishop always left. Trouble is, to get away Joan had killed Bishop.

But kids keep showing up dead. Joan is now having massive flashbacks (so we can get the story, duh) and we find out that she actually after only one cut told Bishop to kill her friend - he does. He goes off to finish an embalming of someone else when Joan gets free. She then plunges the embalming needle into him, killing him. Since then she's been plagued by guilt, nightmares, and of course the one scar on her face.

But who's killing the kids? She's convinced it's Bishop, the whole town (including her brother) think it's her - after all, people didn't start dying until she came back. I had the killer but not the motive - a loner who her niece was actually nice to has been doing the killing because he wanted revenge against the kids who shunned him - but why the niece? She had been nice but then again, he just liked killing. But there wasn't a backstory on him so I didn't know his motive, just that whenever they showed a group of kids he was kind of standing off to the side (watch those kids).

So a bunch of people die (including Christopher - nice blood spurt from the neck there fella) until it's found out - but not before her niece had to tell the kid to kill her best friend so she could go free. She asks Joan if the memories ever go away. I'm thinking the same thing about this damn movie.