Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Pleasures Of The Damned (2005)

Have you ever tried to tell your friend a joke only to have them look at you blankly and say 'I don't get it.' and when you explain it to them, which of course takes away the fun they return with a soul crushing 'That's not funny.'? Apparently, looking at Netflix's reviews, quite a few just 'didn't get it'. This movie is a joke people, maybe not a hilarious one, but a joke. Anyone trying to take it seriously and getting disgusted with the 'poor story, acting and effects' are not getting the joke and you should just shrug and walk away. 

With a tagline of 'Banned for 25 years... the most shocking film you've never seen.' and knowing it was shot with a whopping $2,000 budget, I thought this was actually pretty damn good, and a lot better than some 'serious' horror films I've seen lately.

The story, such as it is (and has nothing to do with the title): A group of bikers who worship Satan (with the cheapest Satanic props possible) are looking for a fabled book to gain eternal life. They follow a guy in a cardboard Satan leader suit (no kidding folks) who changes into different people or animals, depending on the situation - or who's on the set at the time. 

The rest of the 'gang' are dressed in bad wigs and cheap denim 'gang' outfits. The film is 'dubbed' although there is no attempt to line up the dialogue with the actors, and also no attempt to keep the sound effects true to the action. Just as it's supposed to be.

I guess I should have mentioned that this film was supposedly made in 1979 by a man named Antonello Giallo, who was charged by the Italian government with 17 charges of indecency (having seen a lot of Italian films, if I took this seriously I could call BS on this alone) and was exiled. All copies of the film were destroyed - except for one. It was 'restored' and presented in all its glory. 

Of course this is total crap. Especially when you watch and notice that all the cars have Maryland plates and one is driving a Scion... which wasn't even invented until 2003. So shut up and listen to the rest of the movie... which at 75 minutes was blissfully short - this version anyway.

Using fake dubbing, fake wigs, and recycling body parts to use in every gore scene, we also are told it is shot in Psychovision - meaning you will get a visual and auditory warning when ick is going to happen. The movie that this little gimmick copies (which was awful and not on purpose) was of course Chamber Of Horrors (1966).

The 'zombies' in the movie are guys in KKK outfits (except the hoods aren't pointy) dyed black with pentagrams painted on them (hard to 'munch' on body parts when your hood has no mouth hole) and are probably just the same actors recycled as I'm sure there were only a total of eight or ten people in this movie. Oh, supposedly the good guys win - with the usual twist which is more of a frame of uh-oh at the end.

So if you're a drinker (or just someone who enjoys a groan worthy movie) check this one out. My favorite review is also probably fake: 'There isn't enough water in my shower to wash the filth from my soul!' That. Is. Funny. I don't care who you are...